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December '04
Holiday reading:
Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes
The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin
Pearls melt in vinegar
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser, in that order
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs
A duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why
Turtles can breathe through their butts
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year
A snail can sleep for three years
No word in the English language rhymes with “MONTH.”
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing
All polar bears are left-handed
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
Ways of thinking about dis-order, dis-ease, health, illness and 'causes', wherein lies this little gem:
"'R.D. Laing tells a story that goes something like this – a man has a hard night on the town and wakes up in a prison cell unable to remember what happened the night before. He notices that the door to the cell is wide open, but he continues to sit in the cell. After some time the jailer comes by and asks the man why he didn't walk out the cell. The man replies, "I am not leaving this cell until I find out how I got in here! I am reminded of this story several times a day when I see certain clients. I have been working in mental health for some twenty years with people who have been labelled as 'difficult clients', but I now believe that the difficulty lies in the therapists, not in the clients."
November 2004
1. 'To put the world in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must cultivate our personal life; and to cultivate our personal life, we must first set our hearts right.' Confucius 551-479 BC
2. 'A wall of secrecy in the marriage and a window of intimacy in the affair usually characterise extramarital triangles. Reconstructing marriages requires reversing the walls and windows by erecting a wall with the affair partner and a window of honesty with the marriage partner." Quoted from family therapy. I like this quote because it confirms my belief that to every complex problem there is a simple solution, which is wrong. In this case, it appears that just opening communication where it has died and closing it where it has lived will do the trick. If only it were so easy. Triangles form out of the breakdown of intimacy in the primary relationship, to which, in a sense the affair was the externally dervided and iatrogenic 'cure'.
September/October 04
1. He's 50. His flirting is sometimes out of his awareness, a problem to his spouse for many years, has got him into trouble at work and now it's troubling him. He has realised it is a cat and mouse game like playing with someone's heart. He doesn't like the cruelty he now notices in himself when he dumps them after he loses interest or it gets too hot. We talk about it and it becomes clear to him that as a child in a emotionally distant family, he worked for the emotional connection he needed from his parent. He can imagine that the effort would have been necessary even as a baby. As he reconstructs the story he remembers the most effective method was charm. In a sense this attachment behaviour has survived in-tact for 50 years and his partner wonders do people ever really change? Awareness increases with practice and with age. Thus the territory where choice resides expands in time.
Stages of change: precontemplation, contemplation, decision, action, relapse, and maintenance. Change requires readiness, opportunity, choice and will. “You may fetter my leg, but Zeus himself cannot get the better of my free will” - Epictetus 55-135 AD. His discourses.
2. Ultimatums are often a lose-lose strategy. The only ultimatum that can work in marriage is a mutually agreed one, discovered collaboratively and executed cooperatively. Mutual growth is the prize of a healthy negotiation like that. Mutual resentment is the poisoned chalice of a one sided ultimatum that fulfills it's purpose. Resentment from that source, is an investment in unfinished business for both people, that is likely to be carried for some years, whether you become separated or remain together. A win-win solution takes time and mutual respect to formulate and in some cases also with the help of a neutral third party, who has been given the power by both to slow the proceedings and find a collaborative outcome. If the third party is not honored with that gift s/he cannot help.
Ultimatum (n.) A final proposition, concession, or condition; especially, the final propositions, conditions, or terms, offered by either of the parties in a diplomatic negotiation; the most favorable terms a negotiator can offer, the rejection of which usually puts an end to the hesitation.
'An ultimatum is a threat of overwhelming force as a punishment for non-compliance with an order. It is often delivered by a stronger party to a weaker one, as for instance, by a parent to a child: "If you don't eat your broccoli, I'll take off my belt and teach you a lesson." Although such commands would seem to be peculiarly inappropriate when delivered by one sovereign nation to another, they hold a place of privilege in the histories of both World Wars.' Source
3. 'Never ascribe to malice that which can be adequately explained by incompetence' - Napoleon Bonaparte. In legal terms malice requires intention, pre-meditation and the choice to execute the harmful act against the other's well being. Psychologically, it requires a felt need to observe the results in their suffering. When a partner attributes an out of awareness motive in the other to inflict that pain on, it may itself be a payback comment from the one injured or it could be an injunction. (For the psychology of injunctions I recommend a long read of RD Laing). But when the possibility of that out of awareness act is noticed by a neutral third party it can be useful information. I confronted one of my clients after they described the third event of that kind inflicted on their partner, which brought their relationship to the brink. He could not explain the behaviour, yes alcohol was part of the pattern and yes he knew once starting to drink and feeling the way he did, hurt was inevitable. But he struggled to accept that the pattern represented a pre-meditated, intentional desire to inflict pain and as well, a choice at some level of awareness to aim it exactly where it would hurt the partner (and as a consequence their relationship) the most. Over and above the intent, there is almost always a reciprocal interaction - who hit whom back first? Unravelling the transaction in an intimate relationship and taking ownership of the out of awareness hurtful behaviour takes a willingness to include the unwanted, hurtful parts of ourselves, patience, kindness and mindfullness.
4. E-prime - a good starter page on semantic hygeine and its enemy, labelling - the structure of a language defines the way a person thinks and behaves eg 'he is depressed'.
5. 'Fierce conversations' and 'time to think' - marriages and careers built or undone one conversation at a time. 'In Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises," a character is asked, "How did you go bankrupt?" He answers, "Gradually, then suddenly." '
6. Lawyer jokes and stupid law suits.
July/August 2004
1. 'We have such a close family, I feel everything my mother is going through' the speaker in her 30's of a mum in her 60's. On closer examination this turns out to be a description of her parent's marriage, which many years ago proved unable to support mum emotionally. Probably it was a large family in the bread winner father, home maker mother hierachical 17th Century model and failing the 'predictable imbalance' 80:20 rule - that is not doing the 20% of stuff that really matters to the health of the marriage, and doing the trivial 80% that has little effect. (The partners that least want emotional intimacy and/or sex in fact control the quantity and quality of those events in the relationship - family therapy.) This mum inevitably gravitated to the support of her children who in effect became her spouse, help-mate and confidant. All very close, triangulated and enmeshed - where one ends and the other begins was not at all clear. The primary relationships in the family then became that between mum and the kids, and between dad and his work.
A signature of a healthy family is that the primary relationship is the marriage and the kids are outside that marital boundary and then work is at the next gate. But in the type of family above, each adult child may come to feel or reject the feeling of being responsible for mum. Some of the adult kids may experience this as a burden and some may blame others for not doing enough yet, all would describe this as a 'close family'. If they too are coupled, their partners may feel the in-laws as ever present in one way or another and not always when mum and dad are in crisis. Not surprisingly most of the kids may have trouble in their adult relationships, since in effect each has a prior commitment to mum and to their siblings to whom they are 'very close'. As part of the pattern, they may also distance their own partners to the position their dad occupied in the emotional landscape of his marriage or choose distant partners who occupy that spot naturally. They too may marry their children to compensate for the shortfall in emotional support of the marriage and maybe their kids, the grandchildren of the pattern makers, may describe a very close family around the distant marriage of their own parents.
Seems like generations of kids could hold these marriages together whilst themselves feeling emotionally empty and continue to promote the mythology of a 'close family' to themselves and others. This would feel weird sometimes, when believing in a close family and experiencing the lack of it or the emptiness inside. Sometimes the partners run down their own spouse to the others as a kind of in-joke, which re-iterates the criticism they heard from mum when dad left on a number of occasions, later to return. I know this family dynamic so well, it is my own foster family, and it is the family of some of my friends and some of my clients. It is the English owning class family, possibly with an academic or workaholic professional parent or parents. It is the cultural background of our government. It describes the emotional life of this nation, our clinging to British Empire values (a close family) and to colonial relationships with Asia, longing for that bond with the old family, sticking to the national flag and hugging the edges of the continent, a vast (empty) space in the centre that we're affraid to inhabit, where we hide from ourselves the disavowed and the dispossessed.
2. 'Bonding patterns are often characterised by an incredibly high level of 'not seeing' or 'not noticing' on both sides, yet identifying the underlying vulnerability is essential if you are to understand a bonding pattern. If you can stay in awareness long enough to see the primary self driving the pattern (and separate from it) then see your own underlying vulnerability (and your partner's too) you can get yourself out of the pattern.' Quoted from growing aware. How to get out of adverse bonding patterns.
3. What happens to quiet ones who say a lot with both a few well thought out phrases and clear, transparent body signals, who choose talkative partners that complain their beloved doesn't say much, rather than own up to their own lack of active listening and body mirroring skills? I think each tends to mis-take the other and yet sense this is the other side of me that I need to develop it in order to be whole. Committed relationships are great at bringing opposites together so that they can workshop the difference.
4. Trichotillomania - recurrent pulling out of one’s hair resulting in noticeable hair loss, officially classified as an impulse control disorder, along the lines of pyromania, kleptomania, and pathologic gambling. There is now a support group in Canberra meetings are held every second Sunday at the Griffin Centre, Bunda St Civic from 4 to 6pm. Meetings are informal and non-judgemental, and friends and families of sufferers are also welcome. Basically, we just sit around talking about our dealings with TTM and drink coffee and have a few biscuits.
5. Q. ‘I've been divorced for five years now and have been lucky enough to maintain a decent relationship with my ex-husband when it comes to the kids who are 10 and 12. We share custody pretty much 50-50 on a week in week out arrangement. I've just been offered a dream job in London. How do I broach the subject with my kids, let alone my husband?’
A. Assuming that the basis for your good relationship with the kids' father involves some conflict resolution skills and the good luck you are about to test - the kids and their father can assume your good will rather than suspect it's your escape plan from a sticky situation. You would be wise to encourage the kids to speak their hearts and minds fully and then to intergrate the idea of those prospective changes, since your career move will disrupt their 'more important' career - RealLife. Possibly you are thinking of taking the kids from their established peer groups and throwing them into a different pre-teen culture (forget that they speak the same language, it's still a shock) where they will feel a mixture of thrill with new rules to conquer and terror at being found alien.
Given that SE England is a grey place most of the year but also the Centre of the KnownWorld, I would tell them it like it is and deal with their upset and anticipatory grief first, second and third. Don't rush them to the solution you have come up with. No doubt your new employer wants you there yesterday, but you have to be seen to give and in fact to genuinely give your first family its due. This will take more time than most employers grant. Be firm with your boss because if you manage this well, the kids will have a great time, either holidaying or living in Europe and thus won't sabotage your first 6 months of employment with school refusal, antibiotic resistant pneumonia and attempts to board a flight home or a flight to London. Your first husband will require special attention and care - it may or may not suit his second wife to have her step kids visiting less often or if they decide to stay, living there full time. Quite possibly he has not re-married in which case those children will likely be the centre of his world and you are about to nuke it. Take your time with all the feelings and first brainstorm the solutions as a family, and remember that while you are not your first husband's caretaker you both have to sign the papers.
6. Radionics is a method of spiritual healing using using the principles of dowsing and that strange non-local effect of healing at a distance. In Australia we use dowsing to search for underground water. Within days of working with an adrenally exhausted yoga teacher, living some distance away, I was contacted by a guy who recently lost his wife at a very young age to a rare illness. His counsellor had asked around Canberra for some one who might know about using hypnosis as Michael Newton does in his 'between lives' work, so that he could advance in his desire to make contact with his wife. I don't do that hynotic work, but I marvelled at the network his counsellor tapped. Is that a synchronicity? Then I read an article given me by the plasterer who is doing some work on our house, about that vital 'imaginary' number, the square root of minus one, without which we could not do the calculations to design a computer chip or a telephone system. These are physical objects that work in the way predicted by the unsolvable little number i, which turns up everywhere in nature.
7. Spirit - I couldn't resist this range of defintions.
February/March
Hannah Arendt who coined the phrase 'the banality of evil' in her report of the Eichman trial, believed if we were to see our selves as 'natals' rather than mortals we would 'immerse ourselves in the world through the goodwill and solidarity of those who nurture us'. 'Whereas mortality is the condition that leads (us) to withdraw from the world in a fundamental concern with a fate that can only be (our) own'. Read more in the Guardian. The 40 year affair between she and Heidegger, a prominent Nazi - a poetic tragedy according to one author? 'Love is irrational' he says 'there is nothing we can do about it'. And the warmth of her friendship with Mary McCarthy. The Hannah Arendt Papers at the Library of Congress. And a conversation between Seyla Benhabib and Arnie Mindell - a bit heavy going at times comparing discourse and process theories.
- Marital Infidelity - a useful page on site that also deals with the myths like 'affairs only happen in bad marriages' and 'undiscovered affairs do not affect a marriage'. The following site with rated links on the psychology of marriage.
- Since writing that note, people tell me stuff that's important to them - that dreaming of a girlfriend from years ago felt like a betrayal of one marriage, that just accepting an offer to go to the movies with an opposite gender friend felt unfaithful to another and to a third, an observation that after many years of marriage men and women develop a certain natural shyness or sexual bashfulness in their non-marital relationships, which sometimes marks a faithful partner from those not shy (of flirting for example).
- 'There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in a while to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, "How good or how bad am I?" That's where courage comes in. Erma Louise Bombeck, who also wrote: 'People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.'
- Centuries ago, the Greek doctor Hippocrates apparently saw a patient who: "dare not come into company for fear he should be misused, disgraced, overshoot himself in gestures or speeches, or be sick; he thinks every man observeth him" quoted from Social Anxiety UK. When you find it easier to avoid social situations and the fear of embarrassing yourself, this could be painful shyness or social anxiety and phobia. The latter typically develops in adolescence and usually before depression and other disorders with which it often co-occurs. Try the resources at http://www.socialanxiety.com.au/ and at http://www.socialphobia.org/ and this google directory for more info and self-help.
- Twins studies article and the link between forgiveness and longevity both from Psychology Today.
- I have been researching personality splits and psychological fragmentation and have come upon some interesting stuff. The first two links are from kinaesiology and acupuncture perspectives (both of which suggest therapeutic avenues) and the next two are theoretical - one using chaos theory to explore multiple personality splits from the perspective of 'all healing is self-healing, and self-healing first and foremost requires self-love.' The other link a history of psychology's understanding of the role of trauma in splitting - the mechanism which I believe is at the root of the splits:
- http://www.livingnow.com.au/handh/s1healthandhealingstories13.htm http://www.medicalacupuncture.com/aama_marf/journal/Vol11_2/splits.html http://www.geocities.com/iona_m/Chaosophy2/ADDandCRP.html http://www.trauma-pages.com/vdkvdh-89.htm
- Rejection, ostracism and the silent treatment reduce IQ by 25% and increase aggression.
- Here's a kind self-help and a technique protocol using EFT. It's unlikely to 'cure' your relationship problems as they are often transactions rather than reactions or interactions, BUT it is a self-soothing thing to do whilst you take a breather from struggling with trouble.
April/May/June
108 Poems by Chogyam Trungpa on this generous on line library
Effexor withdrawal symptoms - there' so much material on the web about it, it's hard to select but I think this artists page with comments from readers over the past two years and this discussion thread are good starting points.
Thankyou to the visitor to this site from Hong Kong who searched the terms 'centred on the management of one's own feeling.' I hope the following helps. The google.com.hk result and the google.com result differ in interesting ways. When I searched 'feelings' plural, it produces, among others, this article on 'emotional intelligence and the impacts of morality'.
Here's some definitions of emotional-feelings and an out there angle on emotional management in The Matrix. A quote - 'Sorrow with his pick mines the heart, but he is a cunning workman. He deepens the channels whereby happiness may enter, and he hollows out new chambers for joy to abide in, when he is gone.' - Author unknown from the free on-line book psychological self-help.
I have worked with a number of people who have had a stroke mid or late life. In the last five years I've noticed they have been hard working younger men who were, prior to the stroke, very fit and measurably healthy. But were they content and calm at home or at work? I don't think so! In one 2000 study, patients with severe depression had a 73% higher risk for stroke, and those with moderate depression had a 25% higher risk than average. There is an association between between emotional well-being and the incidence of stroke in older adults. Pre-stroke personality also has a greater influence on stroke recovery than the brain injury itself! So by the time he comes to me after a year or so of Rehab, there is a doubling of the issues. The old personality problems or depression now confounded by brain injury. Spouses, families and friends who may before have found ways of compensating, now struggle with the new burden and additionally feel a duty to not abandon the guy when he is down. And vice versa - stuff the guy once tolerated at home or work, is now not okay! Depending on the area of the brain injured, the psychological losses are also traumatic, uniquely personal, life changing, significantly impacting on relationships and only generally understood. Like all huge experiences that we survive, stroke opens up a new life with fuller choices for calm and contentment than were apparant before. Do we have to have the stroke in order to wake up to what is important? Starting points on the web are the National Stroke Foundation of Australia, the Brain Foundation of Victoria and the Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada. The latter has the more accessable, content rich website of the three.
Giving up on the marriage, abdicating responsibility for leadership in the relationship, learned helplessness - all these can appear in the guise of depression. We are getting smarter in recognising depression, still ashamed to acknowledge it but we are just as slow as ever at making time to explore the context of the 'dark room without doors'. Do we treat the symptom or open up a discussion about the whole social/psychological ecosystem in which depression appears? Well sometimes, we do the easy thing first and take a course of antidepresants for a couple of years, until we find that it doesn't solve the problem in the heart of the matter. Often the invitation to explore it follows an epiphany - like seeing the whole world opening before us, as a result of one small comment or event in the relationship. More on an unexamined life and on critical thinking.
