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Item 1: Interview - why do smart women stay with cheating husbands?
Dear Peter,
Thank you for taking part in this interview! Here are my questions -
1. Why is it that smart women stay with men who cheat on them?
Smart of course has to be defined, but one thing we know from research is that rejection drops a person's IQ by about 25% and increases their hostility. Intimate betrayal is a profound rejection that continues beyond the discovery of the affair into the core of trust and integrity of the marriage. In a way, the sense of rejection continues for years after, coming back to haunt the person in unexpected ways. One of my smart women clients who had thought she had dealt with her partner's affair 20 years before and stayed in the marriage, found it coming back to haunt her as they both approached retirement. Both smart women and smart men stay in relationships both straight and gay, where one has cheated on another for many reasons. Usually because the affair has ended and the cheater has sworn to repair the damage and make amends.
Progress in healing is slow, takes time and usually two steps forward and one back - sensing the truth of this smart people endure the hardships of humiliation and repair. One can't discount the obvious - that looking around at the market place of partners, the devil you know may be better than the one you don't know. Becoming a single parent is not a better solution than staying and mending with a cheating heart.
When the affair continues and where this is known to a smart partner, there are all kinds of compromises being made by the one who is being cheated. The one who has the least control in a relationship is also the one most likely to compromise no matter how smart they are. This is a manifestation of power in the relationship and one that has social, cultural, gender and economic influences that smart women are not better equipped at navigating than the not so smart.
More than all of that one can't discount the possibility that the cheating is not or not yet an unforgivable event in their marriage. What defines the unforgivable for one person is often quite unexpected and unrelated to public persona of the individual.
When it continues without the partner's knowledge and yet any smart person one think, should have figured out that it would keep going, why do they stay? Denial or willful ignorance is a powerful psychological defense against knowing the obvious. Women whose father's cheated their mother's tend to be more tolerant of a husband cheating. It is likely they could only manage the real world distress of betrayal by using denial in one form or other - denial that it matters, denial that it is anything more than f--k buddies, denial that it will harm the marriage, denial that as long as I don't know it won't hurt me etc.
2. In the case of the New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer, his wife has a law degree from Harvard and is Chairwoman of a non-profit group called Children for Children and in her own right is a very successful and intelligent woman. Her husband just got caught after spending $80,000 on prostitutes yet his wife supported him at the press conference he gave when the news broke and even was reported to have been holding his hand. Why would such a successful woman still support the man that committed such an act of betrayal? (The couple have three children - would this be deciding factor for her?)
The financial aspects of this are paramount, especially as she would know the consequences of a criminal charge on the size of any later divorce settlement and maintenance. She would more likely be exposing herself to extra public humiliation standing by his side simply for the sake of the children and their future relationship with Eliot. A criminal charge would be less likely if he were seen to retain the support of his wife. If a criminal charge were effected he would automatically be disbarred from practicing as a lawyer and thus damage significantly their future income and support. I doubt it had anything to do with her intention to stay with him, but only time will tell that.
3. What kinds of affects does infidelity have on a smart woman in relation to her career? Eg, would she be less confident or would she begin to second guess herself when making decisions?
People lose confidence in their ability to trust their own judgments especially about a person's character and their values, and as well to know what is going on around them even right under their noses. This inevitably impacts on their belief in the validity of data coming from their own senses and in the accuracy of their perceptions. It damages their self esteem and their ability to make decisions - since the basis of those decisions (especially within an intimate relationship) are now subject to a depth and breadth of self-doubt never before encountered. On top of that is the impact of emotions they may never have felt so intensely for so long at any time in the past. Typically these are humiliated rage, revenge, despair and depression and the other traumatic effects of intimate betrayal - flash backs and intrusive thoughts, hyper-vigilance and hyper-arousal.
4. Does being smart or well educated make a difference in how a woman reacts when she finds out her husband/partner has been unfaithful?
Not one difference in the way a person reacts that I have observe in 35 years of work in this area. Betrayal is betrayal is betrayal - it hurts like hell and we all react very badly to it no matter how well resource we are. Marriage counselors and divorce lawyers react in much the same way as plumbers and cleaners. Culture, however, does make a big difference and whether the cheating was unforgivable or not and whether the person cheated has a prior history of loss or trauma.
5. How does the aspect of power play into the equation of infidelity? The Governor of NY and Bill Clinton both held two of the most powerful positions in the U.S. but both were compelled to cheat on their wives. Could one assume that the more powerful a position a man holds the more likely he is to cheat?
No. Cheating occurs roughly with equal frequency across all ages, cultures and socioeconomic groups. What is shocking is that we are still surprised when men in positions of power and prestige behave as badly as those men who have with little formal power and apparently little prestige. Humans are all capable, no matter what they espouse, of a demonic dynamic in their private lives. All of us have a public life, a private life and a secret life to one degree or another. Few can share all of those aspects of themselves with their life partner - and some would argue neither should they.
6. What would drive someone to spend $80,000 on prostitutes? That is a lot of money!
False beliefs that it will buy them privacy, time, quality and the security of feeling that the sex, the customer and the sex worker are all special. Some times the kind of sex purchased is for humiliation such as spanking and bondage, a powerful desire that the customer has and one which he keeps a secret from his wife and perhaps even from himself in any other context.
Addiction is a helpful way to think about what drives a person to spend more and more getting less and less out of behavior that is increasingly at risk of producing the very humiliation in public that he has paid to keep private. Sex worker clients have told me that they spend most of their time with customers in effect counseling them, holding their hands and stroking their egos.
7. Is it a common occurrence in your line of work to have patients that are smart women who are staying with unfaithful men? If so how many would you say, one in ten etc etc?
Given that the majority of cheating goes undetected you'd have to say there are a lot of people living with a cheater who don't know it. In my clinical experience smart people stay in those relationship for all the reason I gave at the outset but I can't give you a percentage.
Thank you so much for taking the time out to answer these questions. When I have finished my article I will email you a copy! It may be a few weeks as I have a few more interviews to complete.
Item 2: Interview - how do people cope when they break up with a soul mate?
The journalist initially defined a soul mate as one of "absolute love" and a "completely perfect match".
These are subjective feelings and beliefs about soul mate that are unique to every individual and not necessarily having the same set of beliefs (nor defined in the same way) for each party to the relationship. That of course is the first place couples come unstuck - discovering two to three years into the relationship that they meant very different things when they swore 'absolute undying love' to what was then their idea of a 'perfect match'.
One of the problems in these sorts of definitions is that love is both a verb and a noun - to love absolutely and an absolute love are not the same. The wish for a soul mate is an ambition, of which the idea of love includes many (ambitions that is). Lovers can be blinded by ambition - desperately wanting to believe they have arrived at the destination of soul mate when in fact every relationship is a journey.
How do you make the gods laugh? Tell them your plans. No matter how much we want to believe it, certain that ours is the blessed and special love of soul mates won't divert change according to our will nor make NOW the destination. Soul mates is not the promise of perfection (or as close to it as we can get) that we invest in the idea.
The inevitable benefit of a good relationship is that people grow and as they grow, they differentiate. They grow in different directions according to their abilities, temperaments, influences, values, passions and gifts.
The ambition of 'soul mate' is often confused with the bonding and simultaneity of identical twins. However, not even identical birth twins are identical and their fights can cut more deeply than a non-twin could ever aim or even imagine.
Their directions of growth will always be different. So the problem is not how compatible 'soul mates' are but how they handle their incompatibilities as their growth or when the pace and rhythm of growth differs or where stasis takes one in a different direction.
Another problem deriving from your usual idea of 'soul mate' is that of confusing intimacy with emotional fusion. Something like a belief that perfect compatibility means a fusion of selves. A kind of intermingling soup where the two individuals do not create waves by striving for separateness as well as intimacy.
Yet from what we now about intimate relationships - both vulnerability and being able to stand up for yourself (and simultaneously stand up for the other even when the two positions are in direct conflict) is essential to intimacy.
Vulnerability isn't safe in a climate of fusion - someone has to stand out and hold the other, make a safe harbor for them when they feel alone, scared or hurt. This requires standing aside from entering their own vulnerabilities to allow the other to touch theirs. Soul mates struggle with this as much as couples who don't define themselves as soul mates. It is so difficult at times to put yourself aside for the other when you are hurting too.
In my experience of working with couples in a long term committed relationship (where they defined and continue to define their partner as soul mates) trouble comes with the discovery that where they have come to is not the destination they had expected. Rather it has turned into a voyage of two souls made of a subtly different combination of the same elements. Both widely and deeply connected at every level of their beings but for one apparently new, critical difference.
Often the difference is brought into relief by events outside their control - typically health/illness, employment/income, differing ways of handling loss of a parent or even of one of their own children. But on closer examination the difference was apparent in small things ignored or discounted at the outset of their soul's meeting.
Whilst working to help them find a way to harmonize the now incompatible rhythms, melodies or instruments of their relationship orchestra, I find myself repeating that being soul mates guarantees that the growth nurtured by the relationship is far deeper and wider than if they were not soul mates! Therefore, their struggle to find a deep inner permission and give their blessings broadly to the growth occurring in the other, even when it threatens the end of their relationship, is so much more challenging. Yet also potentially more liberating for the giver and the receiver though it does not feel like that at the time. It feels like absolute hell.
Truly the most important attribute of a good and lasting relationship is friendship, fondness and admiration. Those are far easier things to get a handle on than the confusion that I read about soul mates.
Here's another view quoted from nacflm.org
While marriage is losing much of its public and institutional character, it is gaining popularity as a “soul mate” relationship – a private couple relationship whose main purpose is to promote the psychological well-being and emotional satisfaction of each adult. For example, ninety-four percent of never-married young singles agree with the statement that “when you marry you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.” Over eighty percent of all young women, married and single, agree that “it is more important to them to have a husband who can communicate about his deepest feelings than to have a husband who makes a good living.”
There is a good reason for the popularity of soul mate marriage. People are living longer and healthier lives. Women want emotional closeness with their husband. According to one recent study, the high quality time men spend with their wives and the love and affection they show to their wives – is the most crucial determinant of women’s marital satisfaction.
However, a successful “soul mate” marriage requires high maintenance. The problem is that many couples – and especially parents of small children – are chronically time-starved, sleep-deprived, distracted and harried. This may explain why parents now report significantly lower marital satisfaction than non parents.
Q. Can you tell me how people often feel and what kind of things are running through their head when they break up with their soul mate?
A. These are typical of all bereavements whether loss of child, parent, pet, career, health, home, country etc. A soul mate, however we define that special knowing, is a bond of attachment like all those mentioned.
The process of grieving follows a well worn figure 8 like path - shock/denial/numbness to fear/anger/depression to understanding/acceptance/moving on and back to the beginning to denial, revisiting anger out to acceptance and all places in between and back in and around all over again - mad at yourself that you thought you were through that phase six months ago.
Like the wound sinews of rope, many thoughts travel alongside the unwinding of feelings such as why me, why now; what do I tell friends/family; is it me or is it her/him; maybe if I did this or that it wouldn't have ended; maybe if we try again it will work; if I did what h/she asked would it make any difference; where are all those extra miles we said we would give to fix anything that went wrong; I feel so betrayed by broken promises, so bereaved of a future we had laid out before us; so angry with her/him/them/the world/g-d/life. SO broken. I will never get over this, never recover, never trust again etc.
Q. How can someone effectively deal/cope with the emotions and issues associated with losing their soul mate? Tips/advice on dealing with sadness, feelings about ‘losing the one’, any steps that need to be taken etc.
A. Buy the book "How to survive the loss of a love" and keep it by your bedside. Even though you think you don't want your friends to call, telling them you will be alright, "just leave me alone to lick my wounds" - ask the closest friend and family to call each day and check in.
Get heart food nourishment from music; poetry; writing a journal; modeling/sculpting with clay; paint; dance in the moon; smell the flowers, and know that you will live again and live to love again.
Make sure you have your friend's phone numbers in your mobile. Drink water with a pinch of unrefined, unbleached sea salt; eat nutritious light meals and slow cooked stews or chicken or veggie soups; avoid stimulants and alcohol.
Rebuild your life in whatever way that feels right to you.
Write a letter to your inner child and hold her/him tight.
It takes as much time as it takes.
Q. Can you offer me some tips/advice on how to start dating again for people who have broken up from a long-term relationship?
A. Don't until you are ready and then some.
Choose friendship, fondness and admiration over the promise of a soul mate. A good solid investment with steady returns over an exciting speculative one promising the world.
Be choosy and don't settle for "better than nothing".
When you meet someone who feels right GO SLOWLY. Slow down to the pace required to watch a snail move. Remember, all important decisions are made by the body and emotions first and then backed up after the event by the head. So go only as fast as you can do head and heart in synch together.
If your heart is hurt or broken, that pace will be more like a long slow waltz or a lingering tango rather than a game of twister or a race around the meat market.
You can tell a great deal about a person from meeting their friends and from the history of their friendships. If they have no close friends - tread very carefully.
Read my observations of intimate relationships on site and travel through the related pages linked there.
Do these quizzes on compatibility; the big three; the pre-marriage traits and the 15 item relationship quiz on site.
Next, greet and meet your future in-laws - these can tell you only a little about who their child might become in an intimate relationship with you but they may be your future grandparents and possible third parties if your relationship hits a speed bump. Who's he/she going to turn to for comfort if it's not you. It is either those close friends or mum and dad or an ex.
Finally, if they have kids - that's a whole other chapter. The most important people to the success of a blended family are the biological parents NOT the step-parents. So who is the mother/father of these kids and where and how are they traveling and how are they in relationship to their ex getting it together with someone else?
If in doubt at the threshold of a marriage ceremony read this.
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