LINKS: my visual art blog and to past analects - Archive 2002 * Archive 2003 * Analects 2004 * Analects 2005 * Archive 2006 * Archive 2008
Item 1 - Couples therapy and ADHD
I am doing some research on this topic and put below quotes from four sources.
1. Here are some of the problems you might face if you or your partner has ADHD:
* Difficulty listening and paying attention. An individual with ADHD may "zone out" or talk out of turn, making it difficult to communicate. It can also cause the partner to feel as though what he or she has to say doesn't matter.
* Trouble completing tasks.ADHD can lead to poor organizational skills and forgetfulness. A man with ADHD may miss his wife's birthday or their wedding anniversary, or may forget to stop at the store on the way home from work as his wife had asked. This forgetfulness may make his wife feel hurt and think that her husband doesn't care, when he's actually forgotten because he has trouble staying on top of things. That same inability to finish tasks may translate into a lack of commitment when it comes to marriage or other relationships.
* Inability to handle responsibilities. Someone with ADHD might forget to pay the bills, neglect to clear a dangerous pile of branches from the backyard, or leave a toxic cleaner on the sink while the children are playing nearby.
* Impulsive behaviour. People with ADHD constantly need stimulation, and may fail to think through the consequences of their actions. This can lead to reckless, irresponsible behaviours (like driving too fast with the kids in the car).
* Emotional overreaction. Someone with ADHD may lose his or her temper easily, leading to major misunderstandings and sometimes, big blowout fights. Arguments can quickly spiral out of control because the person with ADHD is unable to talk through issues calmly. Source
2. It has been my experience that it is those marriages in which neither partner were aware of ADHD that become the most stressed and problematic. The marriage may begin with a lot of enthusiasm because those with ADHD have a lot of energy and are very creative. This energy and creativity attracts and excites their partner. However, the positive beginnings soon turn into disappointment and anger as the difficulties of the ADHD spouse emerge. For example, it is sometimes difficult for those with this disorder to remain employed because of their difficulties functioning at work. In addition, handling finances, household chores and carrying out daily responsibilities become sources of tension in the marriage. The non ADHD spouse quickly begins to believe that their partner is simply an irresponsible person who is selfish and deliberately refusing to carry out chores. Source
3. Sometimes, marriage between a spouse with AD/HD and a non-AD/HD partner, may work well. The wife may provide stability, structure and organizational skills. At the same time, her husband’s creativity, and quest for novelty may provide colour to her life and help her explore new horizons. This complementary type of relationship works best when each partner has insight into his or her unique strengths and weaknesses. They learn from each other in a dynamic way, and do not allow their roles to become too rigid. The wife has periods of spontaneity, and the husband then becomes the stabilizer.
In other cases, AD/HD can strain a marriage. The non-ADD spouse may misinterpret the partner’s disorganization and procrastination as deliberate offences
They are lulled into the belief that the diagnosis and the medication will be a panacea. A spouse may despair or even leave the relationship when old patterns and behaviours re-emerge. Source
4. Being in an ongoing relationship with an adult who has attention deficit disorder brings one face to face with the problematic traits also associated with ADHD. It is often difficult for an adult with ADD to stay tuned in to conversations. She may become easily bored or just distracted by other stimuli. Due to the many obstacles encountered daily, he may believe he can't do "it" and may not bother trying. He may be unrealistic about time commitments, truly believing it will only take five minutes to make a stop and then comes home two hours late, infuriating his partner. An adult with ADD may have problems saying no to demands placed on her. After years of being criticized by parents, teachers, and partners, she may say yes to get others off her back. She often does this automatically without thinking through whether she can or wants to do what is asked. A related trait is difficulty setting clear limits. If one is easily distracted, underestimates how long it takes to do things, and feels external pressure to do his share, he probably has trouble setting a clear limit for himself. He, therefore, takes on more than he can do and as a result leaves many tasks unfinished or forgets important appointments in his harried state.
An adult who has ADHD may begin to resent the criticism she receives from significant others. This resentment makes her less likely to even try to find ways to be more responsible about the areas her partner is constantly complaining about.
Another recurrent theme I hear from adults I work with is that they have trouble trusting themselves. When a woman with ADHD repeatedly can't complete tasks within the time she expects, wastes entire days trying to get started on seemingly easy projects, and misses important details in conversations, she has trouble believing her intuition is right. She may, therefore, go along with what someone else tells her, even when she doesn't agree. These same people are then prone to let others determine their self worth. A man whose boss is always pushing him to do more, despite his record sales figures, may see himself as a failure at work.
In addition to the issues I've elaborated on above, adults with ADHD often have problems noticing social cues. If one is not attending to the nuances of facial expressions, voice tone, and body language, he is likely to miss the meaning of his spouse's words. This can lead the partner of a person with ADD to feel her spouse may not care about what she is saying. Source
Item 2 - how long does it take to recover from spousal death or relationship breakup
Q: A friend and I were having a discussion about spouse death and relationship breakups - she thought that it takes on average 9 years to get over the death of a spouse, and had heard stats of 2 and 5 years to get over a relationship.. What's your take? I do understand that there is great individual scope.
A: Some responses to a death are of course irreparable and some grieving interminable - for example sudden, violent death and witnessed by the spouse or disappearance on ski trip and no body is found until the snow melts next year. Some breakups likewise irreparable - spouse runs of with your younger sibling or twenty something daughter. In each of those cases we call that complex traumatic grief - so you have both PTSD and grief concurrently. Every individual deals so differently with even ordinary, common or garden deaths or breakups but in any event we are talking grief and mourning and for that it's a one year to 18 month minimum.
The more secure attachments the person has, and the closer the community around them, then in all of those events above the better the recovery. Attachment is nature's buffer for loss and trauma and the lubricant for resilient individuals, families and communities. If someone were still grieving and or traumatized 2 years after recovery of the body and burial or instrumental finalization of a relationship breakup - then I would say get help. 2 years is long enough for the body to be carrying those kinds of stress hormones and the mind reliving those experiences.
Item 3 - premature ejaculation
It has been a while since a couple presented with this problem and then two showed up. So I quickly got together some links and tips. Treatment requires attention to both the psychological component and the physical.
Psychologically the problem is principally one of anxiety, fear and shame. More specifically the balance between sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems after erection and before climax is out of whack. Physically it is like a lazy muscle and fitness training for the penis is the beginning.
The main immediate source of anxiety is likely a performance fear, which forms a vicious circle - the more I fear I will come too quickly the more likely I will. The thoughts of having done so before crowd in creating more anxiety. The more distant fears may come into play - fear about the viability of the relationship if this keeps happening or that I am a failure as a lover and that this will keep on happening in every relationship. These lead to feeling ashamed of one's sexuality. The negative thinking raises anxiety, which can both prevent erection and precipitate ejaculation.
If the following self-help methods don't work, then changing the anxiety arousing thoughts, dealing with the history and with shame and mending the consequences in an intimate relationship are best dealt with in couples therapy.
For the anxiety provoking thoughts a simple self-help tool is the emotional freedom technique - here is my general protocol for eft and a web source to shape the protocol for premature ejaculation.
The first physical tip is start doing Kegels:
Contract the pelvic floor muscle as if you were holding back urination in mid-stream. Hold it and count to three then release. Make sure the muscle completely relaxes before your next contraction. Hold it again, then release. Draw it up now while you are reading this. Hold, count to three and release. Do this at least twenty times in your first session
You can build up to whatever is comfortable for you. I suggest you commit yourself to five minutes on the way to work and five minutes while traveling home.You can do this while you are sitting or standing, walking or resting. It may assist you if you combine it with the breath. Breathe in as you contract a muscle, hold your breath and contraction for a count of three, then make an extra strong contraction. Next release the muscle and the breath together. Do twenty cycles at a time.
If after a week of practice you experience any soreness, take it easy. It's like any other muscle, if you overdo it in the early stages, it can become tender. Source
The second tip involves the squeeze technique to stop ejaculation just before the point of no return. This page includes an outline of the method and this one some more information.
Some practitioners suggest the partner begin this but in my experience it is very useful for the guy to masturbate and learn to stop the orgasm just before the point of no return using the squeeze method or holding breath or pushing down on the pelvic floor as if to defecate. Repeating this process a number of times over a number of days is likely to increase his awareness of the sensations leading to climax where that is a part of the problem. Then the next step is to learn to communicate those sensation in a clear and timely way as the partner masturbates the guy. The finally to begin intercourse with all those techniques and enhanced awareness at hand.
