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4 articles on Relationship triangles
There is always an element of unlived life in every triangle and it seems we are sometimes unable to discover that unlived life except through the extreme emotional stress which triangles generate. Source and more of that material in Article 4
Also available on this site a pdf chapter giving a clear account of Strategic and Systemic Family Therapy from this home study course.
"Triangles involves three people and three roles, like parts in a play. One person un-consciously chooses the role of the Persecutor ("P"). S/he blames, disrespects, attacks, ignores, and/or criticizes the Victim ("V") for something, causing the Rescuer ("R") to defend the Victim. That may quickly shift so that the Persecutor becomes a Victim, and the former Victim may become a Res-cuer.
Each role may be played by an adult or a child. Each person can switch back and forth between these roles with different situations and different people. Few people are aware they're doing this. If they are, they don't know how to not do it. Stay aware that these three labels refer to roles (behaviors and attitudes), not the person in the role." Source is an excellent article on Triangulation.
Infidelity is a triangle with the 'other woman' or 'other man'. It forms a P.V.R interactional sequence in those roles even when the presence of the third party is well disguised. Work, an in-law or a step-child or step-parent set up very enduring triangular sequences.
"Each of us must find the right balance between individual self and emotional togetherness.
In this century, there have been several important shifts in the way professionals view mental health in individuals and families. One of these shifts occurred in the 1950s and early '60s when Dr. Murray Bowen at Georgetown University Medical Center introduced Family Systems Theory. This was a major step away from previous theories about the emotional life of humans, which had focused on the individual. Dr. Bowen saw the family as an "emotional unit" wherein each individual functions emotionally in relation to the larger family system. Bowen thought of a family as a natural system, and studied the order and predictability in human family relationships. The concept of family systems theory is also based on the assumption that human behavior is not very different from the behavior of animals under similar conditions.
One important element in a healthy family is the level of "self" that each member is able to achieve. The job of each child is to grow into an emotionally independent person with the ability to act, think and feel for him/herself. An opposing force – the instinct to maintain togetherness – operates to keep the members of a family emotionally connected. Each of us, therefore, must find the right balance between individual self and emotional togetherness.
Bowen explained that families have predictable methods for dealing with emotions such as anxiety, which can move from one person to another in a family. For example, when a person uses distancing, denial or an addiction to deal with anxiety, he may lower the anxiety level in himself while sending it to higher levels in someone else. We are very sensitive (although not always consciously) to the emotional states of other people, and we continually adjust ourselves to the emotions of those around us. Anxiety in person "A" can result in a physical or social symptom in person "B." If "A" then begins to caretake "B" because of these symptoms, "A" may feel less anxious. Individuals in relationships can actually shape and create each other over time.
Anxiety or tension between two people in a family can be dealt with by pulling in a third person.
According to Bowen, the resulting "triangle" is a basic element of any emotional system. Triangles in families occur naturally and can be observed and documented easily. The anxiety or tension of each of the participants generates the activity in triangles. A two-person relationship will be stable as long as it is calm. When anxiety increases, however, the presence of a third person can decrease anxiety by "spreading it out" over three relationships. This makes it less likely that any one relationship will overheat. In any triangle, there are two people who are insiders and one person who is an outsider. If you understand the position you occupy in a triangle, it may be possible to bring it to a positive conclusion.
Several weeks ago, I spent time with my younger sister and her three children. When David (10) and Dylan (8) became too intense or competitive in their play, one of them would triangle Emily (4) by getting her to take sides or commit to being closer to one than the other. The insider and outsider positions of the resulting triangle would shift accordingly while spreading out the tension. Two parents with two children can produce four triangles. If there are three children, the number of possible triangles is ten.
The following is an example of insider/outsider movement in a triangle.
Dad observes the close relationship between Mom and daughter, feels anxiety, and begins to pout. Mom notices and starts giving Dad more attention. Daughter feels left out and begins hanging on her dad. Mom feels pushed into the outsider position and makes a critical comment about daughter's messy room. Daughter has a fit and gets mom's attention back with a long discussion about her room. Notice that if the system is really tense, it may feel better to be in the outsider position whereas, if the tension is temporarily gone, it's nicer to be in an insider spot. If dad was criticizing mom and mom then mentions that daughter didn't clean her room this week, Dad might shift his tension from mom to daughter giving mom a break.
How do we "detriangle?"
This is one of the most important skills learned in family systems therapy. It would be great if we could recognize a triangle and step back to say, "Oh my, we are acting out one side of a triangle and we have just pushed Aunt Mary into the outsider position." Triangles, however, are driven by emotion, not logic. In fact, people in a triangle are able to ignore logic and rational explanations easily because the logical parts of their brains are short-circuited by emotion.
When you observe a triangle in action, remember first that family members need to develop a healthy level of independence from each other in their thinking, acting and feeling. It is never good to expect everyone in a family to agree or feel the same way. Second, view the triangle as a method of easing tension and anxiety in the family system. Your participation in the triangle may be helpful if you understand enough to make a positive contribution. Try to be an observer and stay detached enough to avoid getting pulled in emotionally. A level of detachment is achieved when any person in the triangle can see both sides of the other two players and refuses to "take sides." Hopefully, this will encourage someone to take responsibility for his/her part and then theother may also. Anxiety and its accompanying tension are normal in family systems. Families that tolerate individual differences and manage triangles can maintain loving connection.
Jackie Garretson, LMFT, is an Imago Relationship Therapist practicing in Anchorage, Alaska." Source retrieved 23/05/09.
Guidelines for Playing Victim, Rescuer and Perpetrator Roles VS. How to be a Grown Up Creating drama and chaos vs. Solving problems Dodging, deflecting, and blaming others vs. Taking on responsibilities Denial/pretending vs. Honestly facing painful situations Making excuses and instigating bad boundaries vs. Maintaining boundaries to have true respect for others Ignoring damage that has been done and pretending it has nothing to do with you vs. Making amends and recognizing consequences Maintaining your illusions at all costs vs. Having the courage to become more self aware Giving yourself too much respect (narcissists) or too little respect (martyrs) vs. Balancing both respect for others and yourself Letting drama rule vs. Letting integrity/character rule “I know what’s best for both of us” vs. No one has a market on truth-it always lies in between people Creating doubt in the other person vs. Seeing what hard truths the other person may have to teach you Assuming others are there to be an audience vs. Realizing what happens between people is unknown, not orchestrated Thinking in simple terms of Right/Wrong, Good/Bad vs. Recognizing complexity Manipulating others, which is a shell game that ends up hollow vs. Using your heart and head together to be more emotionally honest with others Trying to have it both ways vs. Facing sacrifice Taking the easy way vs. Knowing the right thing to do is the hard thing to do Monologue vs. Dialogue Short-term thinking vs. Long-term thinking Manipulating/Controlling vs. Negotiating SOURCE retrieved 23/05/09.
The following lecture notes were retrieved on 09/03/05 and quoted in full from http://jamaica.u.arizona.edu/ic/fs427/lecture2.htmlIdea: To understand individual and family problems, it helps to think in threes
Main points
The triangle is a fundamental social unit, and triangulation (third-party involvement) is a ubiquitous social process.
Cohesion between two people depends on their relationship with a third (e.g., scapegoating, supporting someone who needs help).
Triadic processes help to manage conflict.
Cross-generational coalitions correlate with many problems.
Thinking in threes often suggests what to do about problems (e.g., structural interventions).Major theorists: Jay Haley, Salvador Minuchin, Murray Bowen Family triangles (like ironic processes) are more relevant to how problems persist than to how they originate. Still, triangles can start very early in life. (Ffeifer cartoon) Lessons from demonstration role-play exercise (Coppersmith)
Circularity of triadic interaction
Each individual’s behaviour maintains and is maintained by the system.
Victims and villains are hard to identify (everyone’s trapped in a game without end).
People communicate on more than one level (importance of nonverbal messages).
Secret coalitions and splits require enormous energy.
Structure and process mutually define and require each other.
Haley’s Theory of Pathological Systems
Problems occur in contexts characterized by covert coalitions that cross status (generation) lines.
Coalition = two people joining together against or to the exclusion of a third.
The most problematic coalitions are covert (concealed, denied).
A common clinical example: An over involved parent and child in coalition against the other (peripheral) parent (the “perverse triangle”).
Principle applies in all organizations - not just families.
Triangles can be understood in terms of both relational structure (alliances, coalitions, boundaries, etc.) and interactional sequence (a circular pattern of events occurring in time).Example of a triadic sequence (from Haley, 1987) Father-Incompetent (Father upset or depressed, not functioning to capacity) Child-Misbehaving (Child out of control or shows symptoms) Mother-Incompetent (Mom can’t deal with child, Dad gets involved) Father-Competent (Dad deals with child effectively) Child-Behaving (Child behaves well or “normally”) Mother-Competent (Mom deals with child and Dad competently, expects more from them) Father-Incompetent (Dad upset or depressed) Cycle begins again Key idea: Dyads stabilize themselves by involving a third person (e.g., parental tension decreases when they focus on a child)
Minuchin’s conflict-detouring family triads
Detouring-attacking
- parents band together to control “bad” child (but often disagree)
- associated with child conduct problems
Detouring-supportive
- parents focus on “sick” child, showing overprotective concern
- associated with psychosomatic problems (e.g., asthma, anorexia)
Problematic structural triangles and other boundary-breaching patterns
Cross-generation coalition - e.g., mom and child exclude dad; mom and child closer than mom and dad
Triangulation - e.g., child caught between parents; symptom detours parental conflict Collapse/reversal of parent-child roles - e.g., child takes care of parent or tells parent what to do; child and parent are peers
Intergenerational fusion - e.g., parent and child are reactively enmeshed Note: These are normative theories that make testable predictions about adaptive and maladaptive family patterns (unlike the ironic process idea from Lecture 1)
A body of empirical research links child and adolescent problems to family triangles and breached generation boundaries
Child, adolescent, and young-adult problems such as academic failure, delinquency, eating disorders, substance abuse, depression, marital distress correlate with cross-generation family coalitions and primary alliances
- Observational studies (e.g., Gilbert et al., Mann et al.)
- Report studies (e.g., Teyber, Rohrbaugh et al.)
Involvement in parental conflict predicts child adjustment problems (e.g., Emery, Hetherington et al.)
Treatments based on structural principles are effective for delinquency and drug abuse problems (Stanton & Todd, Szapocznik et al., Henggeler et al.)
Application: Structural family therapy for child problems (from Camp, 1974)
Weaken existing cross-generation alliances
Strengthen parental coalition
Strengthen relationship between less-involved parent and symptomatic child
Help parents and children strengthen relationships with peers of their own generations Application: Mara Selvini-Palazolli’s “Invariant Prescription”
Italian therapy team (a) calls together entire family, (b) dismisses everyone but parents, (c) enlists parents in a pact of secrecy, and eventually (d) coaches them to disappear for several hours without warning.Why are cross-generation triangles problematic?
Triangles may impede the child’s individual development (separation, individuation) by not allowing disengagement from the parental relationship.
Clear generation boundaries may be necessary for negotiating transitions in the family life cycle.
Problem behaviour may be reinforced and maintained by its stabilizing role in the family system.
Overt or covert parental conflict may undermine effective parenting.
Triangles in remarried families
Triangles involving an ex-spouse
- e.g., ex-spouse intrudes, no emotional divorce; child caught between natural parents
Triangles within the remarried system
- e.g., step mom as primary caretaker; step dad as disciplinarian, rescuer, intruder; fights between his kids and her kids
Triangles involving the extended family
- e.g., in-laws disapprove of remarriage, loyal to ex-spouse; grandparent(s) compete with step-parent (complicated)
Does a strong parent-child bond (secure-attachment) override the effects of family triangles?
Are parent-child triangles as influential as genes, siblings, and (especially) peers.
Do normative structural principles apply in other cultural contexts (e.g., are cross-generation primary alliances as problematic for Hispanic as Anglo families?)
Further Readings:
Carter, E., & McGoldrick, M. (1988). The changing family life cycle (2nd edition). New York: Gardner Press.
Haley, J. (1967). Towards a theory of pathological systems. In P. Watzlawick & J.H. Weakland (Eds.), The interactional view. New York: Norton, 1977 (pp. 94-112).
Haley, J. (1987). Problem-solving therapy (2nd edition). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass (excerpts)
* Hoffman, L. (1981). Foundations of family therapy: A conceptual framework for systems change. New York: Basic Books.
Kerr, M.E. (1981). Family systems theory and therapy. In A.S. Gurman & D.P. Kniskern (Eds.), Handbook of family therapy (volume 1). New York: Brunner/Mazel.
Mann, B.J., Borduin, C.M., Henggeler, S.W., & Blaske, D.M. (1990). An investigation of systemic conceptualizations of parent-child coalitions and symptom change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 58, 336-344.
Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.* Chapter 6 (“The Pathological Triad”) on library reserve." SOURCE
"The painful experience of an emotional triangle is one which occurs in virtually all lives, although the 'third point' of the triangle is not always a human one. This article explores the triangle from several different perspectives: the early family triangle which, if unconscious and unresolved, produces profound repercussions in adult relationship life; power and defensive triangles, meant to avoid rather than experience deep relationship; triangles in pursuit of the unobtainable, often masking creative or spiritual needs; and triangles which embody the unlived life of the participants.
Relationship triangles are an archetypal dimension of human life. We do not ever escape them, in one form or another. We also tend to handle them rather badly when they enter our lives. That is understandable, because triangles are usually evocative of very painful emotions, regardless of the point of the triangle on which we find ourselves. We may have to cope with feelings of jealousy, humiliation, and betrayal. Or we may have to live with the sense of being a betrayer - of being dishonest, of injuring someone. We may feel all these feelings at once, as well as the conviction of being a failure. The emotions that are involved in triangular relationships are often agonising, and cut away at self-esteem. Because triangles confront us with very difficult emotions, we will usually find ourselves trying to blame someone for the presence of a triangle in our lives. Either we blame ourselves or we blame one of the other two people. But triangles are indeed archetypal - and if we have any question about their universality, we need only read the literature of the last three thousand years. Anything archetypal presents us with a world of purposeful patterns and intelligent inner development. There is something about the experience of the triangle which can be one of our most powerful means of transformation and growth, unpleasant and painful though it is. Betrayal, whether one is the betrayer or the betrayed, does something to us which potentially could be of enormous value.
Nothing enters our lives that is not in some way connected with our individual journey. This does not imply blame or causality, but it does imply a deeper meaning which may be transformative for the individual who is prepared to seek that meaning. If a triangle enters one's life, it is there for something. If we choose to react solely with bitterness and rage, that is our choice. But we could also choose to make the triangle a springboard for some real soul-searching. This is particularly difficult because the experience of humiliation usually invokes all the defence systems of infancy, and it is very hard to move beyond such primal responses to a more detached perspective. As astrologers, we may find it worth exploring whether there is such a thing as a pattern in the chart that is conducive to triangles; whether there are deeper reasons why any individual gets involved in a triangle, by their own or someone else's choice; and why some people are more prone to triangles than others. We might also consider what possible approaches might help us work with triangles more creatively, which will involve looking at them psychologically and symbolically.
The universality of triangles
There are many kinds of triangles, not all involving an adult sexual relationship. Even if we restrict ourselves to sexual triangles, we would find many different varieties. Sexual triangles are not always made of the grand dramatic stuff of Tristan and Isolde. In some adult love triangles, all three points are fixed. There are two partners and there is a third person involved with one of the partners, and there is no movement in the triangle. It is static and may go on for many years, until one of the three participants dies. In other love triangles, one of the points is constantly changing. One can practise serial adultery - sometimes, as in the case of John F. Kennedy, with an astonishing rate of turnover. But both these situations are triangles, even though we tend to accord a higher romantic value to the first; and both will evoke the same spectrum of archetypal emotions.
Apart from triangles where a sexual involvement exists between any combination of the two sexes, there are many other kinds of triangles. The most fundamental are those involving parents and children. Triangles may also involve friendships. More complex are the triangles which involve non-human companions. One partner may feel a sense of jealousy and betrayal about the other one's dedication to work or artistic involvement or spiritual development. Such triangles can evoke exactly the same feelings of jealousy as the sexual variety. When one withdraws into a creative space, one has somehow 'left' the person one lives with, and it can create enormous jealousy on the part of one's partner. The creative process is an act of love, which is perhaps why the 5th house is traditionally said to govern both. If one loves one's work, it may evoke enormous jealousy. There are even triangles involved with pets. This might sound absurd, but one partner can feel extremely jealous, hurt, upset, and abandoned because the other partner is deeply attached to his or her cat or dog - even if one does not wish to admit to such feelings in public. All these different kinds of triangles may seem unrelated. The one thing they have in common is the component of one or another variety of love, which, in a triangle, is no longer exclusive. And when we must share someone's love, whether with another person or with something ineffable like the imagination or the spirit, we may feel betrayed, demeaned, and bereft.
The Eternal Triangle
This little diagram is a simplistic picture of the three points of the triangle. For the moment, the astrological significators have been left out. Some people experience only one of these points in a lifetime, and some are experienced in all three.
The Betrayer is the person who apparently chooses to get involved in the triangle. I use the word "apparently" because one cannot always be sure how much conscious choice there really is, and one cannot be sure how much collusion exists between Betrayer and Betrayed as well. But whatever might be at work beneath the surface, the Betrayer is a divided soul. There is a love or attraction or need for two different things. Most of us carry the assumption that love should be exclusive, even if on a conscious level we profess a more liberal perspective. Because of the values of our Judeo-Christian heritage, we are brought up to believe that if our love is not exclusive, it is not love, and we are no longer 'good' people. We have failed, or we are selfish and unfeeling. When we experience this kind of deep inner division, it is therefore extremely difficult to face. It is much easier for the Betrayer to come up with a list of justifications for why he or she is committing the act of betrayal. We do not often hear the Betrayer say, "I am divided. I am torn in half." More commonly, what we hear is: "My partner is treating me very badly. He/She is not giving me A, B, C, and D, and I need these things in order to be happy. Therefore I have a justification for looking elsewhere."
At the next point of the triangle is the Betrayed, who is apparently the unwilling victim of the Betrayer's inability to love exclusively. I have used the word "apparent" here too because, once again, there may be some question about the unconscious collusion involved in this particular role. All three points on the triangle are secretly interchangeable. They are not as different as they first appear. But the Betrayed generally believes that he or she is loyal, and it is the other person who is disloyal. It is someone else who has initiated the triangle. Usually we think of the Betrayed as having the hardest time in a triangle, because this is the person who generally acts out all the pain and jealousy and feelings of humiliation.
Finally, at the third point of the triangle, there is the Instrument of Betrayal. This is the person who apparently enters an already existing relationship between two people and threatens to destroy or change it. This point of the triangle usually gets a rather bad press, being seen as 'predatory' or a taker of someone else's beloved possession. If we happen to occupy this point, we may receive only limited sympathy, and none at all from those in established relationships who feel the cold wind of their own possible future. In fact, the Instrument of Betrayal may feel himself or herself to be a victim, and may perceive the Betrayed as the predator. We can begin to glimpse the secret identity between these two points of the triangle. There are people who move round the triangle and try all three points during the course of their lives, sometimes many times. There are other people who stick with one point exclusively, and always get betrayed in their relationships, or always wind up playing the Betrayer. Or they are always the Instrument of Betrayal, and keep getting involved with people who are attached elsewhere.
We might also think of triangles as belonging to four basic groups. These may overlap, but they may also be associated - up to a point - with distinctive astrological configurations. There is the ubiquitous family triangle, about which this article is primarily concerned. There are also power triangles and defensive triangles. These two varieties of triangle are not really separate, although there are some slight differences. Both have a distinctive flavour, and the reasons for their entry into one's life may not be entirely rooted in the family background. A defensive triangle would be, for example, a man or woman who needs to form an additional relationship outside their established partnership because of feelings of deep inadequacy. They may be plagued by great insecurity, and may feel very frightened that if they commit themselves too much, and put all of their eggs in a single basket, they would be too vulnerable, and rejection would be utterly intolerable. A triangle is then unconsciously created as a defence mechanism. If they are abandoned by one partner, they have always got the other. This is not usually conscious, but it is a powerful motivating factor in many triangles.
There are also triangles in pursuit of the unobtainable. These can overlap with family triangles as well as with defensive and power triangles. But there is a special ingredient to the pursuit of the unobtainable, and often the deeper motivation is artistic or spiritual. Sometimes, when we seek unobtainable love, it actually has little to do with human beings. But we may translate our creative or mystical longings into the pursuit of those we cannot have. In this way we open up a dimension of the psyche which has more to do with creative fantasy than with relationship. The artist's 'muse' is rarely his or her wife or husband. This kind of triangle can involve elements of early family dynamics, and it may also incorporate defensive motives; but it needs to be understood from a different perspective.
The last group - triangles which reflect unlived psychic life - subsumes all the others. When we look more deeply at family triangles, we always need to ask why we want so badly to be close to a particular parent. What does that parent mean to us? Why can we cope with indifference from one parent but require nothing less than absolute fusion with the other? In the end, inevitably, we will find bits of our own souls farmed out along the points of the triangle - any triangle, whether motivated by family dynamics, power, defensiveness, or all of the above. There are exceptions, because there are always exceptions to any psychological pattern. But in the main, when a triangle enters our lives, regardless of the point we are on, there is some message in it about dimensions of ourselves which we have not recognised or lived. If a pattern of triangles keeps repeating, then it is a very strong message, and we need to listen to what it is trying to tell us.
The family triangle
Family triangles do not finish in childhood, but have repercussions throughout life. If unresolved, they may secretly enter our adult relationships. If a family triangle is unhealed, we may recreate it, once or many times, hoping on some deep and inaccessible level that we will find a way to heal or resolve it. Freud developed the idea of the Oedipal triangle - also known as 'the family romance' - in a very specific context. In his view, we attach ourselves passionately to the parent of the opposite sex, and enter into a situation of rivalry and competitiveness with the parent of the same sex. Depending on how the Oedipal triangle is resolved in childhood - and this includes the parents' responses as well as one's own innate temperament - our later relationships will inevitably be affected. If we unequivocally 'win' and get the exclusive love of the parent of the opposite sex, we suffer because we never learn to separate or share. We experience a kind of false infantile potency because we feel that we have beaten the rival. We are all-powerful, which may open the door to a later inability to cope with any kind of relationship disappointment. And one's relationships with one's own sex may also be disturbed accordingly.
If, for example, a boy sees his mother and father in conflict, and 'wins' the Oedipal battle by becoming his mother's surrogate husband, he may experience deep unconscious guilt toward his father. Also, he may lose respect for his father, whom he has apparently pushed out of the way with great ease. The boy's image of father may then be of someone weak, impotent, and easily beaten, and somewhere inside he will fear this in himself, because he too is male. This boy may have to keep affirming his Oedipal victory later in life by turning every male friend into a rival, and relating exclusively to women. Such men do not connect with other men, but only to the women who are attached to other men. The bond with his mother will have cost this man his relationship with his father, which may mean he has no positive internal masculine image on which to draw, and no sense of support from the community of men around him. His sense of male confidence and male sexual identity must rely entirely on whether his women love him - and the more, the better. That is a very insecure and painful place in which to live. We could apply the same interpretation in the case of a woman and her father.
If we entirely lose the Oedipal battle - and the operative word is entirely - we also suffer. Absolute Oedipal defeat is a humiliation which can severely undermine one's confidence in oneself. By 'absolute', I mean that the child feels that no emotional contact of any kind has been achieved with the beloved parent, and a profound feeling of failure ensues. One simply cannot get near the parent, who may be incapable of offering any positive emotional response to his or her child. Or the other parent is always in the way. Later in life, such an emotional defeat can generate a gnawing sense of sexual inadequacy and inferiority. It can contribute to many destructive relationship patterns - not least the kind of triangle where one is hopelessly in love with a person who is permanently attached elsewhere. One may become the unhappy Instrument of Betrayal, forever knocking at the closed door of a lover's marriage. Or one may become the Betrayed, helplessly repeating the Oedipal defeat in the role of the established partner who is humiliated by the greater power of the mother - or father - rival. With both unequivocal Oedipal victory and unequivocal Oedipal defeat, we are unable to establish a psychological separation from the beloved parent, and a part of us never really grows beyond childhood. We may then become stuck in repetitive relationship dynamics where we keep trying to 'right' the original difficulty through a triangle.
Freud thought that the healthiest resolution of the Oedipal conflict is a kind of mild defeat, where we get enough love from the beloved parent but are still forced to acknowledge that the parents' relationship is ultimately unbreachable. We may then learn to respect relationships between other people, and build confidence through establishing relationships beyond the magic parental circle. We are here in the realm of what Winnicott called 'good enough' - a good enough parental marriage, a good enough relationship with both parents, and sufficient love and kindness for the Oedipal defeat to be accompanied by a reasonable sense of security within the family and a knowledge that one will continue to be loved. It is also important that we do not fear punishment from the parent-rival. Sadly, many parents, themselves emotionally starved and resentful in an unhappy marriage, do punish their children for 'stealing' the partner's love. We need to recognise that we cannot supplant one parent in order to have the other, but we also need to know that we will be loved by the parent we have tried to overthrow. Naturally this is an ideal which few families can achieve. A great many people suffer from one degree or another of excessive Oedipal victory or excessive Oedipal defeat. What really matters is what we do with it, and how much consciousness we have of it. And nothing is quite so potent an activator of consciousness as a relationship triangle.
There is considerable value in Freud's psychological model, and there do seem to be many situations where absolute Oedipal defeat or absolute Oedipal victory are linked with a tendency to become involved in triangles later in life. But there are serious limitations to this model of the family romance. The parent to whom we attach ourselves is not necessarily the parent of the opposite sex. The parent may be one's own sex. Oedipal feelings are not, after all, 'sexual' in an adult sense, but have more to do with emotional fusion. So, in fact, do many of our apparently purely sexual feelings in adulthood; sexuality carries many emotional levels which are not always conscious. An Oedipal defeat or victory involving the parent of one's own sex may have equally painful repercussions, and be equally conducive to later relationship triangles. One may feel dislocated from one's own sexuality, because the beloved parent is a model for that sexuality and the bond is too weak or negative to allow the model to be internalised in a positive way. A man may forever try to win his father's love by proving how manly he is. He may then unconsciously set up triangles which are not really about the women with whom he becomes involved, but are unconsciously aimed at impressing other men - or punishing them for the father's rejection. And a woman may try to win her mother's love and admiration in the same way, or punish other women for her mother's failure to love her. The rival in an adult triangle may be secretly far more important to the individual than the apparent object of desire. We have only to listen to the obsessive preoccupation the Betrayed and the Instrument of Betrayal have with each other to recognise that the situation may be psychologically far more complex than it seems.
Triangles which involve unlived life
We now come to the issue of what might really lie beneath the dynamics of triangles - beneath the parental patterns and defences and power-plays and all the other apparently 'causal' reasons why triangles enter our lives. I believe there is always an element of unlived life in every triangle, and for various reasons it seems we are sometimes unable to discover that unlived life except through the extreme emotional stress which triangles generate. Betrayal is an archetypal experience which is our chief instrument of maturation. This does not mean that we all need to become embittered cynics. But there is something important in recognising how our fantasies of what we think life and love should be prevent us from growing up and becoming full members of the human family. Betrayal is the means through which these fantasies are punctured and recognised. We attempt to enclose ourselves and other people in our fantasy-world, which is meant to compensate for childhood pain. Since all childhoods have pain, the naive assumptions we carry are also archetypal, and reflect an alternative child-world that resembles Eden in its innocence and fusion-state with the divine parent. The serpent in the Garden is therefore an image of this archetypal role of betrayal, which is inherent in the state of innocence and sooner or later rises up to destroy our fusion.
There is no formula to cope with the pain of betrayal. But an archetypal perspective can help us to look at things differently, although the pain cannot be explained or imagined away. There is no remedy for this kind of pain. But there is a difference between blind pain and pain that is accompanied by understanding. The latter has a transformative effect. When there is no consciousness, triangles do tend to repeat themselves - different characters, same script. Some triangles are truly transformative. They do break apart an old pattern, and the new relationship is genuinely much happier and more rewarding. Or the triangle serves the purpose of freeing energy, freeing inner potentials, and even if the old relationship is re-established, or one winds up with neither party, everything has changed. But we are still ourselves, however much we try to rearrange our outer lives, and if an inner issue has not been dealt with, the same patterns will begin to arise in the new relationship. The compatibility may be greater with another partner, but one must still deal with one's own psyche.
A triangle can be like a grand trine in a chart. The energy circles around and around; it flows back on itself and does not nourish anything else in one's life. Within triangles, all three people tend to project elements of themselves on each other. The triangle holds these projections in place, and there may be enormous resistance to change. We might even say that the triangle forms because there is resistance to change, so whatever is seeking expression from within is experienced through projection. When such a triangle breaks up, the projections come back home again. Psychic energy is released, whether it is through death or the voluntary relinquishing of someone. The timing of this is not accidental. In one or two or even all three parties, unconscious issues have finally reached a point where they can be integrated, even if this is expressed by simply letting it go. The moment we are able to do that, the projections begin to become conscious. I do not believe real forgiving comes in any other way. It is a kind of grace. It cannot be created by an act of will. It is very sad to hear the Betrayed saying, "I forgive you", not because it is truly heartfelt, but in order to get the straying partner back again. Underneath there may be no forgiveness at all - although this may not be entirely conscious - and then the punishment can go on and on. Forgiveness can only come out of a recognition of one's collusion in the triangle - whatever one's role - and the taking back of one's projections. Before that, forgiveness is not really possible. It only seems to emerge out of something being genuinely integrated in oneself. The entire process is transformative. We cannot manufacture forgiveness if we have been betrayed - nor can we manufacture it for ourselves if we are the Betrayer. We can only work to integrate what belongs to our own souls.
The Saturnian parent who rejects, and then turns up in a triangle as a cold and rejecting partner, may have something to do with our own need to acquire boundaries. If we view this fundamental Saturnian experience from a more detached perspective, what is rejection, in the end, except someone else drawing boundaries which we find intolerable? It may be our own lack of boundaries that attracts us into a triangle where we are the Betrayed, rejected by a Saturnian partner who says, "I can't stand this emotional claustrophobia. I want to be separate". Or we may be the Betrayer, fleeing from a partner whose emotional needs seem stifling but who secretly mirrors our own inability to cope with loneliness. The hard and painful lessons that come from these kinds of experiences are lessons about what is undeveloped in ourselves. We may have to discover our primal passions if Pluto is in our 10th or 4th. But we may disown this at first, and say, "My mother was terribly manipulative", or, "My father was so controlling". Why do people become manipulative and controlling? If someone is expressing Plutonian qualities in a relationship, they are not doing it because it is fun; they are doing it because the relationship is equated with survival, and there is a desperate need to ensure that the beloved remains close. Pluto is mobilised when one feels under threat. People become manipulative because they are terrified of losing the object of their love. That love object constitutes survival for them, and manipulation seems the only possible way to ensure the continuity of the relationship. We are all capable of this, given the right level of attachment and the right level of threat. If we disown these Plutonian attributes and keep them firmly projected on the parent, Pluto may turn up in a triangle. Then we ourselves may have to discover how possessive we can be. Or we acquire a deeply possessive partner. We may get as far as saying, "Ah, yes, I have chosen someone just like my mother/father". That is a useful piece of insight, but it is only the beginning. This possessive quality in the parent is described by our own 4th or 10th house Pluto. We must still discover it in ourselves. Often we only discover we have a Pluto through the experience of betrayal. It is just a blank in the chart until a triangle unearths it, and then we suddenly find our Pluto for the first time. We discover that we feel passionately, that we need intensely, that desperation can make us treacherous and manipulative, and that control may seem the only way to survive. This process of self-discovery may be a frightening and humbling experience, but it allows us to fully become what we are.
Psychic integration is the teleology of all triangles. Even when the outer planets are involved in parental triangles, the thing to which we are so deeply attached in the parent is really something that belongs to our own souls. This 'something' may involve our stretching beyond personal boundaries and allowing a deeper or higher level of reality into our lives, but nevertheless it is connected with our own life journey. When we see astrological symbols which we experience first through the parents and then later through a triangle in which the same experience repeats itself, there is something within us that needs to be lived, and it may keep coming back through triangles until we find a way to live it. Planets which are parental significators in the chart are not only descriptive of parental patterns. They are descriptive of unlived dimensions of ourselves, especially when they do not agree with the rest of the chart. Even if the parent embodies the planet in creative ways, it is still our planet, and belongs to our own destiny. A planet in the 4th or 10th, or in major aspect to the Sun or Moon, may not be enacted obviously by the parent, but it will be part of what we experience through the parent. If the parent has not creatively lived the archetypal pattern symbolised by the planet, it is harder to understand what we are dealing with. And therefore we may not realise what we are meeting through a triangle which appears in our life later. It is not just an unfinished parental complex, although that element may be important to explore. It is ultimately one's own planet, and therefore something of one's own soul. It is part of our psychological inheritance, but we must give shape to it. Even triangles which appear screamingly Oedipal also have to do with our own inner lives, because what we love or hate in the parent is something that belongs to us. But we need to find our own way of living it."
Remainder of her article has more astrological references and is here http://www.skyscript.co.uk/lgreene.html
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