Last edit of this page 29/05/08
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Turning Points in Intimate Relationships
Intimacy is not the same as intensity, although we confuse these two words. 'The Dance of Intimacy' by Harriet Lerner
One of our friends complains that her husband is too quiet, but to me he talks with his body and gestures. She's a talker without a full stop (an extroverted thinker). She hasn't recognised the significance of his action language, which requires pauses to reflect on. He's introverted and she has to extract information from him. She pursues, he withdraws. They both agree that is how it is. More on this pursuer distancer pattern (aka fuser/isolator) on site.
On one occasion I noticed his withholding was strategic, in order to get her to stop and listen to what he had to say. I think he then trusted that she had heard him and would respond to what he said rather than sail on with her own stuff. He knows he withholds partly because he's exhausted from attending to her talk and she talks because she doesn't notice the feedback from him that he's heard her. Both are frustrated and at some level angry with each other about it.
This seems complicated to me. It is not unusual for gendered roles. One day they will just stop and face each other in a moment of realisation that this is not working. That's a turning point. It may coincide with a crisis in their lives.
Sometimes, listening to long term client couples talk about their relationships, I get the impression of each watching their own version of the movie of their lives together. Two people, who may as well speak different languages whilst believing they are speaking the same get together. They too quickly form the view that they have explored common values and assumptions and are agreed, until they hit a turning point or crisis some years into the relationship.
Suddenly, things are not as they seemed. Same bed, different dreams.
Given the very different ways we process information, none of the above is surprising. But it is surprising when one partner has not understood that there is another point of view. A refusal to even attempt to stand in the other's shoes, can turn a manageable conflict into a resolution resistant or an intractable problem. That may also be about narcissism - on site article.
One way to view intimacy and its challenges is to consider it like the struggle inter-cultural dialogue has with 'isms' [if broken link go here] - his family-ism, her family-ism. Just like racism and sexism, we can reject the unfamiliar, disavow the 'other'. The issues with which we deal in the wider culture, are all represented in the microcosm of the family.
Consider the challenges of intimacy like that of partners who have selective hearing loss.
The process of getting beyond these familial and culturally prescribed roles and 'isms' may look, sound and feel like the same processes that we understand a team travels in order to function well and fulfil their task. Tuckman's model of the stages of small group development can be applied intimate relationships: forming - storming - norming - performing - adjourning.
We can get stuck at one stage and recycle it. Forming - always returning to the question of 'are you in or out?'. Storming - fighting over old issues. Norming - not getting clear on the rules. Performing - 'workshopping' intimacy. Adjourning - giving up. A couple's task is to form and maintain an intimate relationship.
One of my clients almost broke his troubled marriage by turning their relationship into a work shop, making intimacy The Task. As his wife said, he was 'trying' but he never let anyone inside not his kids, friends nor her and she felt incredibly alone in the midst of all his 'intimacy' skills.
Three relationship quizzes from the Gottman Institute and a librarian's catalogue of the types of relationships in romance and at work.
Exercise 1
Follow the instructions on 161 ideas to romance your partner and spend quality time with them.
Exercise 2
These simple exercises invite a couple into new ways of interacting which require each to self-explore, to self-disclose, to listen carefully without having to defend one's self, to have some control, to give up bitter accusations, to understand the partner, etc. Try them:
1. Schedule an hour in a private place, at least once or twice a week. During the first half hour, one partner simply talks about him/herself. But, nothing can be said about the partner or about the marriage. The second partner says nothing at all for 30 minutes but listens attentively. During the second half hour, they reverse roles. Each "speaker," in turn, talks about his/her life, needs, hopes, characteristics, disappointments (no blaming!), hurts, joys, plans, etc. When both are finished, there should be no discussion - not one word about the session for at least three days. This is important. Each person listens to the other but inhibits the attack-counterattack elements.
This exercise also sidetracks "projective identification." Example: if a wife is projecting "feeling stupid" to her husband, for the process to work the husband must respond in some way suggesting he thinks she is stupid (that's the basic purpose, namely, to get the painful, horrible self-accusation out of her mind and into his mind and behaviour, so she can hate "being dealt with as stupid" rather than thinking "God, I'm so stupid!"). If the wife is not conscious of feeling stupid, then she isn't going to say that as she talks about herself. Since the husband is prohibited from responding, the usual trigger to an outrage ("you think I'm stupid") can't occur and they learn more about each other. However, if while talking the wife becomes more aware of her own feelings of inadequacy, i.e. takes personal responsibility for the "I'm stupid" self-evaluations, then the couple have made remarkable progress towards reducing the tension between them. In any case, they are practicing interacting as separate, responsible, autonomous, and respectful people, not as people who are defined and judged by others. The exercise increases intimacy.
With some thought, you can see how the exercise cuts through many "games," such as the I-want-total-intimacy pursuer with the I-want-space distancer or the I'm-the-boss with the I'm-so-helpless partner. These relationships, like so many, are based on self-put-down, restricted views of our needs and potential.
You may not need to continue this exercise for a long time. Use it as long as it is beneficial. After increasing communication in this way several times, it is important to try the next one (even if you haven't made much progress thus far).
Ideally, the next exercise should be added so that you are doing both 1. and 2. together for a while.
2. On designated days, say Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, one partner gets to make one "intimacy" request. On Tuesday, Thursday and on the non sabbath weekend day the other partner makes one intimacy request. The requests must be reasonable and do-able that day; it can't be unrealistic, like "adore me forever," or a demand for an uncontrollable feeling, like "forgive me for last night." The request must also be made clear in terms of the behaviour involved, for instance if you ask for "some attention and tenderness," it needs to be spelled out as "take a long walk with me," or "help me decide tonight what courses to take," or "give me a back rub," etc.
Since this exercise is to increase intimacy, offensive, disgusting, disturbing, inconsiderate requests must not be made. Some couples may want to make certain areas off limits, such as sex or money matters. Within these limits, however, the other partner agrees in advance to carry out the intimacy request. After several days, two or three requests could be make.
For couples made up of "givers," who never think of themselves, and "takers," who never do for others, this exercise is an eye-opening experience. Likewise, for couples in a power struggle who have trouble thinking in terms of shared or equal power, this experience opens up vistas. They will find, in small ways, at least, that it is safe for someone else to be in control. The pursuer-distancer couple will also have to change, with the distancer shifting from always running from his/her partner to specifically thinking "how do I want to be closer." We don't have to have problems to ask for and do nice things for each other.
When exercise 2. has been worked out, a simple change should be made so that both are in control of the intimacy. On your day to make "intimacy requests," you can now make as many requests as you want, BUT your partner now has the choice of doing them all or not doing any, i.e. if you ask for too much, they can stop the whole process for that day. Your partner can't chose to do some of your requests and forget the others; it is an all or none decision.
Also, the decision can not be discussed or negotiated or argued; the partner says "okay to all the requests" or "no requests granted today." If he/she says "no," you lose your turn and the partner makes his/her requests the next day. Of course, the two of you can be nice and intimate with each other during the rest of the day, you just can't make requests.
The idea is to enable both of you to be in charge - to have some control - at the same time. It is important for the person who can't say "no" to learn to assert him/herself as a person with rights. Under these conditions, much like what would occur in a good marriage, saying "okay" means you really want to be intimate in these ways with your partner.
Most importantly, these exercises, as Scarf says, "provide an ebb and flow of emotional exchange - experience in recognizing intimate needs and in getting them met."
We can become self-aware, self-directing individuals who still have a feeling of closeness and intimacy. Sourced from mental help.net
Further exercises:
- More ideas on this exercise page
- Visit these links for a range of mental health quizzes and 3 more here
- More do it yourself personality and intelligence test links on bottom of this page
- International Online Training Program On Intractable Conflict
- Witty quotes about marriage such as: 'a happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short.' - Andres Mauroi.
- If the turning point is an affair read my articles on site
© 2005, 2006 Ziji Fox All Rights Reserved www.peterfox.com.au
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