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How to mend navigation: 1. How to mend * 2. Models of mending * 3. How to be a grown up * 4. Hold me tight * 5. Becoming vulnerable * 6. Emotional bids * 7. Constructive fights * 8. Exits from intimacy * 9. The answer
Last edit of this page 21/01/11
1. Turning Points in Intimate Relationships
'My partner and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.'
That's a turning point, a watershed, an awakening.
When everything is turned upside down.
Characteristically, there is no way around this spot, only through it.
For many couples over a long period of time there was more going on underneath the surface than on top, but somehow it could be managed without having to acknowledge or face it.
The turning point is a core sense of it's time we dealt with it because we can't carry it unspoken any longer.
We've run out of exits.
It's rarely a choice between enslavement (to routines, habits, way of life, patterns of coping) and freedom but between slavery and the unknown.
That's the scary bit that keeps us hoping we can find a way around it like this goose has, even if only for a short time. 
More on turning points and doubt at the threshold of change.
Example
Liz complains that Harry is too quiet and he that she is too noisy. Harry is an introverted thinker and talks with his body. She's an extroverted thinker, talks with few full stops. She hasn't recognised the significance of his action language, which requires pauses to reflect on. He doesn't recognise she is asking for connection rather than a game of mind reading. She thinks she has to extract information from him to have any kind of relationship.
She criticizes he placates, she pursues he withdraws.
They both agree that is how it is. More on this criticize/defend pattern on site.
On one occasion I noticed that his withholding was strategic, in order to get Liz to stop and listen to what he had to say. I think he then trusted that she had heard him and would respond to what he said rather than sail on with her own stuff.
Harry knows he withholds partly because he's exhausted from attending to her talk and she talks because she doesn't get any feedback from him that he's heard her. Both are frustrated and at some level angry with each other about it.
This seems complicated to me. It is not unusual for gendered roles.
One day they will just stop and face each other in a moment of realisation that this is not working.
That's a turning point. It may coincide with a crisis in their lives.
Sometimes, listening to long term client couples talk about their relationships, I get the impression of each watching their own version of the movie of their lives together. Two people, who may as well speak different languages whilst believing they are speaking the same get together. They too quickly form the view that they have explored common values and assumptions and are agreed, until they hit a turning point or crisis some years into the relationship.
Suddenly, things are not as they seemed.
Same bed, different dreams.
Given the very different ways we process information, none of the above is surprising. But it is surprising when one partner has not understood that there is another point of view.
A refusal to even attempt to stand in the other's shoes, can turn a manageable conflict into a resolution resistant or an intractable problem. That may also be about narcissism - on site article.
One way to view intimacy and its challenges is to consider it like the struggle inter-cultural dialogue has with 'isms' [if broken link go here] - his family-ism, her family-ism. Just like racism and sexism, we can reject the unfamiliar, disavow the 'other'. The issues with which we deal in the wider culture, are all represented in the microcosm of a couple.
The challenges of intimacy are sometimes like that of partners who have selective hearing loss.
The process of getting beyond these temperamental, familial and culturally prescribed roles and 'isms' may look, sound and feel like the same processes that we understand a team travels in order to function well and fulfil their task. Tuckman's model of the stages of small group development can be applied intimate relationships: forming - storming - norming - performing - adjourning.
We can get stuck at one stage and keep on repeating it like the movie 'Groundhog Day'. For example, forming - always returning to the question of 'are you in or out of commitment/intimacy/vulnerability?'. Storming - recycling old issues instead of managing the underlying ones. Norming - not getting clear on the rules, denying there are assumed rules or breaking the made rules. Performing - 'workshopping' intimacy like a solo personal development police force. Adjourning - giving up too soon, withdrawing or taking an exit. Power battles can interpenetrate each of those places and extend the process needlessly.
A couple's task is to form and maintain an intimate relationship traveling through each of these stages and getting stuck in none for too long.
2. Kopp's Eschatological Laundry List
1. This is it.
2. There are no hidden meanings.
3. You can't get there from here, and besides there is no place to go.
4. We are already dying, and we'll be dead a long time.
5. Nothing lasts!
6. There is no way of getting all you want.
7. You can't have anything unless you let go of it.
8. You only get to keep what you give away.
43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again.
The other items on this brilliant list are here
3. The Awakening by Denise M. 'Sonny' Carroll
This version I found on the archive of her old website
I’ve added an option for back ground music with this piece. The selection is “Watermark” by Enya which served as an inspiration to me as I struggled to find the words to express the thoughts and emotions that gave birth to “The Awakening”… my awakening.
There comes a time in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective. This is your awakening.
You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.” You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:
How you should look and how much you should weigh … What you should wear and where you should shop. Where you should live or what type of car you should drive … Who you should sleep with and how you should behave. Who you should marry and why you should stay…The importance of having children or even what you owe your family!
Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.
You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that’s OK... they’re entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a “perfect 10” Or a perfect human being for that matter. So you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.
And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that “it is truly in giving that we receive and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of “creating” & “contributing” rather than “obtaining” & “accumulating.”
And you give thanks for the simple things you’ve been blessed with; things that millions of people upon the face of the earth can only dream about a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed and the freedom to pursue your own dreams.
And then you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you’ve learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.
Then you learn about love and relationships, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it’s not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren’t done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.
You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that you don’t know all the answers, it’s not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.
Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it’s wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet “your” standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that “alone” does not mean “lonely” and you begin to discover the joy of spending time “with yourself” and “on yourself.” Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self-Love. And so, it comes to pass that through understanding your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.
Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn’t change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So, you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead. You set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.
You learn that life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate.
And you stop looking for guarantees because you’ve learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you’ll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.
Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. Then a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.
Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you FAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed not for the answers to my prayers or for material things but for my “God” to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.
Remember this: “You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.” My “God” has never failed me.
Copyright © 1999 Sonny Carroll. All Rights Reserved.
For permission to post, contact sonny@herawakening.com
Unfortunately, this piece has been copied, plagiarized and posted on countless websites falsely crediting another writer who promoted herself as the author. I ask that if you see The Awakening on any sites, crediting anyone other than Sonny Carroll, please contact sonny@herawakening.com with the website address.
The Awakening is dedicated to my most dear friend Drane Uljaj. Source
More of Sonny's poetry may be downloaded from this archive.
Information about Sonny Carroll from her now defunct website waketolife.com
Welcome to “Wake to Life.” May you be inspired to begin a new life’s journey. May you be encouraged to persevere when faced with doubt, adversity or fear. The precious years of your life are like grains of sand in the hourglass of time. Too quickly, they fall into the past. So stake your claim on the precious moments of each and every day. Picture yourself an artist. In your hand, you hold a palette with a vast array of colors, you can choose to paint a picture bright and gay or dark and somber. You can choose to embrace life or you can simply step back and let it slip away. On the day you were born, you were given the most precious gift you
would ever receive, the gift of life. So today and everyday,
Remember to acknowledge the gift and the chance at life you were given.
Live & love, laugh & play, learn and contribute.
About Sonny: I’m old enough to know better. Still young enough and eager to learn. Been married, divorced. Crashed and burned more than once. Made my share of stupid decisions and unfortunate mistakes. Learned plenty along the way. Earned a masters degree at the University of Hard Knocks. My thesis was The Awakening. I'm a marketing professional and motivational speaker by day and a writer by night. I am now living single and discovering the most exhilarating and fulfilling relationship I have ever known.
A relationship with myself !
My Hope: My hope is to eradicate fear wherever I can and to help others understand and overcome their own fears and self-imposed limitations. Moreover, to help more women achieve a greater level of personal and economic power by encouraging them to pursue roles as leaders and entrepreneurs. Source
© 2005, 2006, 2010 Ziji Fox All Rights Reserved www.peterfox.com.au
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