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Last edit of this page 02/05/09
1. Turning Points in Intimate Relationships
'My partner and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.'
That's a turning point, a watershed, an awakening.
Characteristically, there is no way around this spot, only through it. For a long time there was more going on underneath the slippery surface than on top, but somehow it could be managed without having to acknowledge or face it.
The turning point is a core sense of it's time we dealt with it because we can't carry it unspoken any longer. We've run out of exits. It's rarely a choice between enslavement (to routines, habits, way of life, patterns of coping) and freedom but between slavery and the unknown. That's the scary bit that keeps us hoping we can find a way around it.
More on turning points and doubt at the threshold of change.
Example: Liz complains that Harry is too quiet and he that she is too noisy. Harry is an introverted thinker and talks with his body. She's an extroverted thinker, talks with few full stops. She hasn't recognised the significance of his action language, which requires pauses to reflect on. He doesn't recognise she is asking for connection rather than a game of mind reading. She thinks she has to extract information from him to have any kind of relationship. She criticizes he placates, she pursues he withdraws. They both agree that is how it is. More on this criticize/defend pattern on site.
On one occasion I noticed that his withholding was strategic, in order to get Liz to stop and listen to what he had to say. I think he then trusted that she had heard him and would respond to what he said rather than sail on with her own stuff. Harry knows he withholds partly because he's exhausted from attending to her talk and she talks because she doesn't get any feedback from him that he's heard her. Both are frustrated and at some level angry with each other about it.
This seems complicated to me. It is not unusual for gendered roles. One day they will just stop and face each other in a moment of realisation that this is not working. That's a turning point. It may coincide with a crisis in their lives.
Sometimes, listening to long term client couples talk about their relationships, I get the impression of each watching their own version of the movie of their lives together. Two people, who may as well speak different languages whilst believing they are speaking the same get together. They too quickly form the view that they have explored common values and assumptions and are agreed, until they hit a turning point or crisis some years into the relationship.
Suddenly, things are not as they seemed. Same bed, different dreams.
Given the very different ways we process information, none of the above is surprising. But it is surprising when one partner has not understood that there is another point of view. A refusal to even attempt to stand in the other's shoes, can turn a manageable conflict into a resolution resistant or an intractable problem. That may also be about narcissism - on site article.
One way to view intimacy and its challenges is to consider it like the struggle inter-cultural dialogue has with 'isms' [if broken link go here] - his family-ism, her family-ism. Just like racism and sexism, we can reject the unfamiliar, disavow the 'other'. The issues with which we deal in the wider culture, are all represented in the microcosm of the family.
The challenges of intimacy are sometimes like that of partners who have selective hearing loss.
The process of getting beyond these temperamental, familial and culturally prescribed roles and 'isms' may look, sound and feel like the same processes that we understand a team travels in order to function well and fulfil their task. Tuckman's model of the stages of small group development can be applied intimate relationships: forming - storming - norming - performing - adjourning.
We can get stuck at one stage and keep on repeating it like the movie 'Groundhog Day'. For example, forming - always returning to the question of 'are you in or out of commitment/intimacy/vulnerability?'. Storming - recycling old issues instead of managing the underlying ones. Norming - not getting clear on the rules, denying there are assumed rules or breaking the made rules. Performing - 'workshopping' intimacy like a solo personal development police force. Adjourning - giving up too soon, withdrawing or taking an exit. Power battles can interpenetrate each of those places and extend the process needlessly.
A couple's task is to form and maintain an intimate relationship traveling through each of these stages and getting stuck in none.
2. Kopp's Eschatological Laundry List
1. This is it.
2. There are no hidden meanings.
3. You can't get there from here, and besides there is no place to go.
4. We are already dying, and we'll be dead a long time.
5. Nothing lasts!
6. There is no way of getting all you want.
7. You can't have anything unless you let go of it.
8. You only get to keep what you give away.
43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again.
The other items on this brilliant list are here
3. The Awakening
'A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! This is your awakening.
You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and its OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to accept people as they are and to over look their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn't weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. You learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms. Just to make you happy. And, you learn that 'alone' does not mean lonely.
And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly o.k. . . and that it is your right to want things that you want. And that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, respect, and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch. And in the process you internalise the meaning of self-respect.
And you learn that your body really is your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve. And that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and its OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens, you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire.
And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.'
Author Unknown
© 2005, 2006 Ziji Fox All Rights Reserved www.peterfox.com.au
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