Self Help for Hard of Hearing People, Inc.
7910 Woodmont Ave., Suite 1200, Bethesda, MD 20814
The following discussion has its source in a SHHH Convention ('86) workshop given by Dr. Ronald Reiter and
Howard Stone, and in an article entitled "The Three Faces of Love," by Robert J. Trotter, which appeared in
Psychology Today, September 1986. To ensure accuracy of content, we urge you to read the article in its entirety. It is
interesting, stimulating, and with application of our experiences, very important to a hearing impaired person's
understanding of a new theory regarding love relationships.
I. Introduction
Gradually we are beginning to talk openly about sensitive subjects, such as human sexuality. Now, SHHH wants to
examine the impact of hearing loss in the areas of sexuality and intimacy.
Although little research exists on these subjects, Harold Rousey, resident psychiatrist at the Menninger Foundation in
Kansas, found that men with hearing loss may fear loss of potency and women may fear loss of attractiveness. We
know that hearing loss has considerable impact on our state of mind and often affects our behavior. More specific
analysis depends upon which population we are discussing: children, adolescents, adults or aging adults. And
combinations: both parties to the union are hearing impaired; one is and one isn't; one is hearing impaired from birth
and one acquired hearing loss later; both were hearing persons at the time of union and one lost hearing afterwards; etc.
All of these circumstances create different problems. Basically, we are discussing persons who have hearing loss after a
person acquired language (post-lingual) and, more often than not, only one person to the union has the impairment.
Whether or not there is a hearing impaired person in the union, the mutuality ingredient is very important, i.e., a sense
of: commitment and security; mutual goals; mutual values; and of continuous growth. The communication ingredient in
the relationship is affected (usually adversely) with the onset of hearing loss in one of the parties involved. Changes in
the ability to communicate cased by physical impairment (as opposed to just poor communication between persons)
adds anxiety. Nothing is more harmful than anxiety. It takes our minds away from relating to one another. It keeps us
preoccupied with things that are not positively associated with mutuality. In fact, many persons who acquire hearing
loss feel here is something wrong with them -- they are not right, not whole.
In couples where one party loses hearing after the bond is formed, their sexual relationship can be affected the most. In
many cases, good relationships have not developed. When hearing loss occurs, it is one more (but very important)
factor in splitting the couple apart. While hearing loss hasn't caused the problem, it makes the problem more insoluble.
Timing in relationships is very important. Sex often depends upon the right time and the right atmosphere. A hearing
impaired person often misses or cannot understand romantic cues. Each couple develops its own sense of mood, of
energy and spontaneity. Some like each step in the process planned. Each bond has its own sense of timing, but in the
person who is hearing impaired, the sense of timing is thrown off. Spontaneity gets lost. Something is wrong and each
person feels to blame. Seldom do they discuss it.
Anxiety, developed by the process just described can best be alleviated by talking about the subject. It's difficult.
We've been taught to fear sex -- to avoid discussion of it. Yet when people talk about hearing loss and their difficulties
in communicating, many barriers come down, romantically as well as sexually. Talking about it develops empathy, and
understanding. It bridges the gap between the couple. In discussing your needs, it seems best to speak from the heart
not the head. Talk about what feels good, what feels right, what is enjoyable. Discuss what makes each person feel
more secure in the relationship. When you can do that, the fact of hearing loss may lead you to better interpersonal
communication than you might have had otherwise, since many hearing couples have very poor communication
between them.
Millions of persons with hearing loss simply do not know what is happening to them. By educating ourselves about
the causes and complications of hearing loss and by developing an assertiveness which permits discussion of the
problem, we can eventually find the meaning of "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and to be loved in
return.:
Now let's look at the major components of love.
II. A Theory of Love
Robert J. Sternberg, IBM Professor of Psychology and Education at Yale University, has become infatuated with the
study of love. His desire to understand a topic of such importance to all of us also provides a base from which to
examine special problems of hearing impaired persons in this area. Sternberg's analysis of love describes three major
components: commitment, intimacy and passion. When all three components are present in a relationship, you have
what might be called total love. While not an unobtainable ideal, it is possible only in very special relationships.
Obviously, a prerequisite to this type of love is good interpersonal communication. (We'll get to that later.)
A basic question in Sternberg's research is, "Why do so many relationships fail?" Divorce is rampant in the United
States and even among those couples who stay together, happiness is elusive. In order to relate this to persons with
hearing impairments, we must first understand the essential components of a love relationship.
1. Commitment. Commitment is the cognitive component. It involves knowing and perception. It can keep a marriage
together long after passion is spent and intimacy is no longer obtainable. But commitment without one or both of the
other elements, constitutes an empty marriage. Many older persons today despair over our younger generation's
seeming unwillingness at worse, and slowness at best, to make commitments. Perhaps younger people (with evidence
of parental experience) realize that people and relationships change and that making a commitment should go far
beyond what matters to them in the short run.
Research by Sternberg and his assistant Sandra Wright suggests what will and will not be important in the long run.
Examples: a) As a relationship develops, the willingness to change in response to each other, and the willingness to
tolerate each other's imperfections become important. When you are young and "in love," even visible flaws are
submerged while many others may simply be overlooked or unknown. Tolerance, or lack thereof, emerges as a key
factor. b) Sharing of values, especially religious values is important. Mixed religious marriages and intercultural
marriages can cause trouble when children are born of the relationship. "Love overcomes all," a sentiment often
expressed by young couples, is put to the test when hard decisions about children have to be made. Suddenly,
something not considered has become important and stressful to both parties. Again, in situations of this sort, the need
for effective communication can be critical.
2. Intimacy. Intimacy is the emotional component in Sternberg's love triangle. It involves the ability to confide in one
another to express your deepest thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams. It involves trust and, beyond having shared values,
the ability to express them. Not surprisingly, Sternberg's research found that "Women are better at achieving intimacy
and value it more than men, so if women don't get the intimacy they crave in a relationship with a man, they try to find
it with another woman. They establish close friendships. They can say things to another woman they can't say to a
man." Part of that, perhaps, stems from the societal perceptions of the role men and women play in the United States
(a perception that is changing significantly). Acceptance of each partner of the other as equals may impact on this
finding over time. Obviously, there are other physiological and psychological differences which condition the degrees
to which men and women can achieve intimacy and, as in the case of commitment, good interpersonal communications
plays an important role. A marriage without intimacy even though commitment and passion are still present, is likely
to be unsuccessful.
3. Passion. Passion is the motivational component of Sternberg's love theory. It is the power of receiving or being
affected by outside influences. In the case of love, it leads to physiological arousal and the desire to be united with the
loved one. Originally the word meant suffering or agony, as of a martyr. And when passion wanes, as it usually does,
both parties to the relationship may feel that original meaning. Sternberg believes that passion is quick to develop and
quick to level off. Then, using Richard Solomon's opponent process theory of motivation, which says that desire for a
person or substance involves two opposing forces, he notes that the negative force, the one that works against the
attraction, is slow to develop and slow to fade. When passion dies (or one party to the relationship discards the other),
the agony begins. Withdrawal symptoms occur. Depression and all its consequences can appear. "The slow starting,
slow fading negative force is still there after the person or the substance is gone." It's like an addiction. Since this type
of stress can have significant impact on hearing impairment, another complication arises for those having that
condition.
Certainly, there is a variety of commitment, emotion and motivation in every loving relationship and Sternberg admits
that his theory is a simplification of a very complex and usually subtle phenomenon. But it offers us a useful
springboard to help hearing impaired people understand how their relationships can be rendered even more complex by
loss of hearing. While understanding a situation does not necessarily make us like it any better, it should enable us to
cope with it more successfully.
III. Connections Between Sternberg's Theory and Persons Who are Hearing Impaired
Now that we have some understanding of the components of a love relationship, let us apply them to situations where
hearing loss is present in both of the partners. (In cases where both persons are hearing impaired, the situation may be
less of a problem because of better understanding of what each partner is experiencing -- but "it ain't necessarily so.")
1. Commitment. People, circumstances and relationships change, but our commitments to each other do not always
take that simple fact into consideration. Consider a couple, both hearing people, who marry and have two children. At
about age 40 the female begins to lose her hearing. Typically, it affects her in ways she may not understand (and her
husband normally will understand it even less so). As we lose our hearing, things seem to change for us, and for those
around us. Our perceptions of each other, fueled by interactions often caused by ignorance, evolve. Communication
breaks down. Isolation, a feeling of being alone -- even in the middle of a crowd -- develops the trend towards
withdrawal. Perceived rejection sets in, accompanied by poor self-esteem. The process of socialization gradually shuts
down. Recall Sternberg's theory. The difference between how the wife in this situation would like her husband to feel
about her and how she thinks he actually feels undergoes change. From his point of view, having a wife who, in the
prime of life, begins to exhibit uncertainty, anxiety and the development of chronic stress, on top of whatever other
problems they may have, is not what he expected when he said, "I do." He no longer believes he is getting from his
wife what he wants from her. Their marriage is in trouble. Because of his lack of understanding of hearing loss and its
complications (very common), his behavior towards his wife changes. How we act often shapes the way we feel and
vice versa. When a negative cycle is established, the family problem becomes even more serious. The wife, reflecting
her husbands's changed attitude towards her at a time when she desperately needs his love and understanding,
perceives rejection. It goes on and on. Hearing loss can, indeed, be a real test of love. If the couple has not yet
developed sufficient tolerance to accept each other as they are, you can imagine the problem.
A child develops hearing loss, over time, while still in school. Parental and teacher conclusions are often way off the
mark. They think the child is not doing well in school because of laziness, inattention, rebelliousness, etc. Even after
hearing loss is diagnosed (if it is), parents may not be willing to accept that fact. While many research psychologists
believe that the love of a parent for a child is distinguished by a high unconditional level of commitment, we have found
contrary evidence from children who are hearing impaired, especially if they were not born with the hearing loss.
Certainly there is another side of the coin where adversity brings the parties in a relationship closer together. But the
point is that commitment is challenged. Something unexpected (and unwanted) has happened. The parents' desire and
determination to maintain a high level of commitment to the child in new and adverse circumstances has to become
more conscious.
2. Intimacy. Intimacy, the capability of being a close friend; of expressing our innermost feelings without fear, of
sharing by communicating -- "ay, there's the rub." Hearing loss puts us on the defensive. Too often we don't really
know what is happening to us. And then there is the fatigue.
Take a married male, still in the work force, whose job entails frequent telephone usage and numerous group meetings
during the day. He has lost his hearing to the point where he finally accepted the need to wear a hearing aid. That,
supplemented by careful attending -- concentrated effort -- trying to speech read as best he can, enables him to keep his
job. By the time he gets home at night he is exhausted. His physical and psyche ability to function and cope with his
hearing loss is at low ebb. He doesn't want to be bothered with family problems, sharing his wife's experiences of the
day, or going to their neighbor's cocktail party. She feels that he is no longer the man she married. She can't talk to him
anymore. "He won't listen." Again ignorance of his condition makes the problem larger than it is. Drift in the marriage
sets in as communication breaks down. The complexity of the task of adjustment by persons who acquire hearing loss
and the effect on the people with whom they live, has never been fully appreciated. Nevertheless, much depends upon
how hearing loss is perceived and what the response to it is. When a major life crisis is seen as a challenge, coping is
within reach. When the same life event is seen as a crushing blow, helplessness and depression negate effective coping.
Again, how we act shapes the way we think and vice versa. Perhaps more important, how you act affects the way the
other person feels and behaves towards you. Positive vs. negative attitudes, extroverted vs. introverted personalities,
degree of maturity and character formation, all influence our response to hearing loss. While hearing loss does not
preclude the continuation or development of intimacy it complicates the matter greatly by restricting conditions, time,
and energy needed to engage in the communication necessary for intimacy.
When hearing goes, spontaneity goes with it. Circumstances for communication have to be arranged. A hearing
impaired wife cannot busy herself in the kitchen and listen, nor can a hearing impaired husband follow the conversation
of a person moving about constantly. Hearing people can do at least two things at once. Hearing impaired people can
usually only do one thing at a time. They can't read and listen, work and listen, take notes and listen, etc. Instead, they
must stop everything and focus on communication. In the hustle and bustle of today's world that is a distinct
limitation.
3. Passion. Passion too is affected by hearing loss. Take the case of the couple who historically have had sexual
intercourse in a dark room. Although the male has attempted to cope with his hearing loss by use of a hearing aid, he
takes it off at night (or even with it on, he is unable to understand speech without seeing his partner's lips). The
intimate sharing in those circumstances which elevate the sex act to a higher level of love begins to disappear.
Something precious is missing and the quality of the marriage can suffer. Turn on the lights, you say. But habit dies
hard. They may not even think of that or for some reason may not feel comfortable in a lighted room while making
love.
Of all three components in the love relationship, passion is the least important over time. When we fall in love, we
make ourselves vulnerable. If passion is the prime mover in the relationship, the vulnerability is heightened since it
almost never lasts. Intimacy and / or commitment are necessary ingredients to give the relationship a chance.
Conclusions
Acquired hearing impairment may not be the cause of problems between a couple but it adds to such problems and in
some cases provides the "last straw." While all couples need to discuss their needs with one another, it becomes crucial
in a union having one hearing impaired member. Anxiety, enhanced by hearing impairment, becomes of overriding
importance. Negative interactions, or even lack of interaction, due to anxiety can doom the union. Hearing impaired
persons must learn that the risk to them of dialogue, in the context of a love relationship, is far less than the risk of
either dissolution of the union or the evolution of an empty relationship.
For more information on the personal and social aspects of a hearing loss see SHHH Information Series #151, Hearing
Loss: Personal and Social Considerations.
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