Content
What is vulnerability?
Why do people avoid being vulnerable?
How does the avoidance of vulnerability manifest itself?
What are some beliefs of people who avoid being vulnerable?
What are some benefits of vulnerable behavior?
What behavior traits will help you open yourself to vulnerability?
Steps to increase your ability to be vulnerable and grow
What is vulnerability?
Vulnerability is:
* Feeling of being exposed to emotional hurt, being taken advantage of or abused.
* Feeling of being fragile, weak or susceptible to emotional pain and suffering.
* Feeling of being trapped or imprisoned in a situation where your feelings and rights are ignored.
* Opening of oneself to the possibility of being taken advantage of by another person in a relationship.
* Relating of your innermost feelings and fears to others with the possibility that they might use such feelings and fears against you.
* Opening of yourself to the possibility of growing as a person in your emotional and spiritual dimensions.
* Allowing of oneself to search and probe the past for hidden or unresolved emotions, feelings or grief responses that lie at the root of current immobilized emotions, feelings or actions.
* Trying out of new behavior traits, attitudes or beliefs in the pursuit of personal growth.
* Unrelenting pursuit of truth and clarity about self through the requesting, encouraging and welcoming of honest feedback about oneself, even if such feedback is negative.
* Willingness to take chances and try new experiences, challenges or activities even though the outcome is unsure.
Why do people avoid being vulnerable?
Reasons people avoid being vulnerable include:
* Basic self-survival.
* Basic insecurity and lack of self-confidence.
* Lack of trust in self and others.
* Fear of the unknown or of uncharted waters.
* Lack of forgiveness and inability to forget past hurts, injustices and pain.
* An overwhelming need for personal privacy and confidentiality (illustrating insecurity).
* Denial, unresolved grief, self-deceit, lack of personal awareness or refusal to face life the way it is.
* Discomfort with change, lack of acceptance of change and unwillingness to change.
* Unwillingness to unmask one's true emotions or reactions to life.
* Lack of acceptance of self for who I am, what I am able to do, and who I am able to be.
How does the avoidance of vulnerability manifest itself?
* Constantly being on the offensive, attacking, blaming or correcting others; keeping the spotlight on others and off themselves.
* Avoiding participation in any form of "helping'' situation, such as an emotional support group, individual or family counseling.
* "Looking good'' and wearing a mask of "strength'' and "togetherness.''
* Pleasing or placating others to keep their true moods, feelings or pain from being probed.
* Closing others out or shutting down themselves to put emotions on the rocks, freezing themselves.
* Silence, a lack of feedback to others, non-communicativeness, keeping true feelings hidden.
* Lacking emotional language, lacking the ability to tune into their own feelings of discomfort in emotionally laden conversations.
* Shyness, a hesitancy to meet new people, being a "wall flower" in social gatherings due to fear of rejection or fear of disapproval.
* Resistance to change, to altering habitual patterns of behavior, or to looking at things in life from a different perspective.
* Playing games that involve knowing the rules of body language in every form of social interaction, with the resultant performance of routines and scripts that fit the "game."
What are some beliefs of people who avoid being vulnerable?
* Never let anyone know how you feel!
* Always be strong in your interactions with others!
* Men never cry!
* Being over-emotional is a feminine trait that leads to becoming an hysteric!
* I am never going to let my guard down again!
* I may be down, but I'll never let them know it.!
* I have been hurt by others in the past, and I'll never let others hurt me again!
* Spilling the beans (of my emotions) is always risky business!
* You are bound to get hurt if you open yourself up to another person.
* Dragging up the past serves no purpose.
* It is nobody's business how I feel!
* No one should have the right to probe into my emotions or feelings!
* Nothing can help me overcome the pain I feel!
* I mind my own business and expect others to mind their own business!
* The old way of doing things is the best way!
* Maintain the status quo!
* Trust no one!
* I have no problems and even if I did, I'd never tell anyone!
* There is nothing to be gained by my breaking down emotionally!
* No one respects a weak person!
* I don't care how you live your life and I expect you to not care how I live mine.
What are some benefits of vulnerable behavior?
The following vulnerable behavioral traits can be beneficial:
Being open to new possibilities in life enables you to explore your options more freely and to gain insight into the healthiest and most productive, growth-enhancing alternatives for yourself.
Being helped through a support group or counseling situation enables you to gain assistance, helping you cope with your life and circumstances that have had some emotional impact on your mental health adjustment.
Opening yourself up to new social circumstances enables you to meet new people who have the potential of becoming true emotional supports.
Not always pleasing or placating others, letting them see your negative side, enables you to feel less responsible for everyone elses' welfare and takes the sense of burden out of your life.
Not always being a "do for" person, letting others accept the responsibility to do for themselves, enables you to lift the weight of obligation out of your life. You can enjoy being with people, not feeling burdened or tied down by them.
Using healthy communication, with good give and take enables you to clarify areas in which you need to grow, to change, improve and strengthen your relationships.
Being open to deal with emotional issues gives you a chance to identify the blocked feelings and beliefs that have prevented you from enjoying full health and well-being.
Letting others into your "emotional life space" enables you the opportunity to experience an authentic, supportive, growth-enhancing relationship.
Tuning into your own feelings enables you to recognize your personal humanity and gives you a healthy perspective of yourself, your problems and your place in life. It enables you to be focused realistically as you face your problems and concerns.
Being open to change and altering your behavior patterns gives you the chance to rid yourself of unproductive and maladaptive habits that impede your emotional health and personal growth.
What behavior traits will help you open yourself to vulnerability?
* Trying new behaviors
* Taking a risk
* Initiating contact with strangers
* Tuning into feelings of others and yourself
* Willingness to get help for yourself
* Being open to receiving help and support from others
* Being honest with others and yourself when it would be easier to lie in order to avoid conflict
* Accepting change when it comes your way
* Looking for deeper reasons or motives for your own behavior
* Self-disclosure of your weaknesses to others
* Being direct and precise about your feelings, beliefs and attitudes when discussing them
* Willingness to listen to honest feedback
* Dealing with anger in a productive, non-offensive manner
* Letting go of fears that impede your movement toward others
* Letting go of guilt or remorse over the past
* Letting go of hostility, bitterness and resentment toward others for past hurts
* Development of trust in others' good will
* Willingness to be seen as weak or emotional
* Accepting your humanness, failures and mistakes as OK
* Understanding the reasons you are risking vulnerability
* Feeling secure enough to admit your failings, mistakes and losses
Steps to increase your ability to be vulnerable and grow
Step 1: Read the material in this section, then answer the following questions in your journal:
a. Do you believe that being vulnerable makes you a candidate for personal growth? What are your reasons for this belief?
b. Do you resist or avoid being in a growth situation in which you feel vulnerable? What are some of your reasons for avoiding being vulnerable?
c. What behavior traits illustrate your avoidance of vulnerability?
d. What beliefs lead you to avoid vulnerability and growth?
e. What behavior traits need to be developed in order to be vulnerable and grow?
Step 2: Now that you have identified your avoidance of vulnerability in Step 1, answer the following questions in your journal:
a. What feedback do you get from others in your life that indicates that you resist being placed in a vulnerable position?
b. What are some reasons from your past that account for your avoiding being placed in a vulnerable position?
c. What replacement beliefs do you need in order to allow yourself to become vulnerable to grow?
d. What are some steps you can take to develop new behavior traits that open you to being vulnerable to grow?
e. What are some positive consequences of becoming more vulnerable to grow?
f. What is your action plan for growth in which being vulnerable is essential?
Step 3: Implement the action plan in Step 2. Are you able to open yourself to becoming more vulnerable to personal growth?
Step 4: If you still find yourself avoiding becoming vulnerable to growth, try the following activity:
A Tale of Two People
a. Write a short autobiography, telling your life story from the perspective of another person, one who is closed off from others to avoid being vulnerable.
b. Write a second short autobiography, telling your life history, but this time from the perspective of you freely opening yourself, being vulnerable to grow. Discuss your relationships, work, family and community activities.
c. Compare your stories and answer the following questions:
(1) Which person is more successful in life?
(2) Which person is more appealing to you?
(3) Which person is more appealing to others?
(4) What are the benefits to being either (1) open to being vulnerable or (2) closed to being vulnerable?
(5) Which story is more true of the current you?
(6) Which story do you want to be more true of you?
(7) What steps do you need to take to make the more successful story real for you?
(8) What obstacles stand in your way of achieving the success story?
(9) From whom do you need help in order to achieve your success story?
(10) What changes in your life are necessary for the success story to become true for you?
Step 5: If you find yourself unable to become vulnerable after completing Steps 1 through 4, return to
Step 1 and begin again.
About this Author
James J Messina, PhD, is a licensed psychologist with more than 35 years of experience counseling individuals and families. Messina, who specializes in adult and children psychotherapy, serves as Director of Psychological Services at St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital in Tampa, Fla. He has a private practice in Tampa and is also a member of the American Psychological Association. Source
Quotations on: Vulnerability
It always seemed strange to me that the things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, aquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self-interest are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first, they love the produce of the second. John Steinbeck
When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Where we have strong emotions, we're liable to fool ourselves. Carl Sagan
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. Neil Gaiman
We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy. Walter Anderson
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. C.S. Lewis
Love is not love until love's vulnerable. Theodore Roethke
He liked to observe emotions; they were like red lanterns strung along the dark unknown of another's personality, marking vulnerable points. Ayn Rand
If you will discipline yourself to make your mind self-sufficient you will thereby be least vulnerable to injury from the outside. Critias of Athens
The time your game is most vulnerable is when you're ahead, never let up. Rod Laver
With each passage of human growth we must shed a protective structure [like a hardy crustacean]. We are left exposed and vulnerable - but also yeasty and embryonic again, capable of stretching in ways we hadn't known before. Gail Sheehy
We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good if we talked... not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable. Liv Ullmann
Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. Helen Keller
There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community. M. Scott Peck
I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable. Joseph Addison
Sincerity is an openness of heart; we find it in very few people; what we usually see is only an artful dissimulation to win the confidence of others. François de la Rochefoucauld
We meet on the broad pathway of good faith and good will; no advantage shall be taken on either side, but all shall be openness and love. I will not call you children, for parents sometimes chide their children too severely; nor brothers only, for brothers differ. The friendship between me and you I will not compare to a chain; for that the rains might rust, or the falling tree might break. We are the same as if one man's body were to be divided into two parts, we are all one flesh and blood. William Penn, English Quaker leader and Founder of Pennsylvania, 1644-1718
The best weapon of a dictatorship is secrecy, but the best weapon of a democracy should be the weapon of openness. Niels Bohr
Susceptibility to the highest forces is the highest genius. Henry B. Adams
Shy and proud men are more liable than any others to fall into the hands of parasites and creatures of low character. For in the intimacies which are formed by shy men, they do not choose, but are chosen. Henry Taylor. Source
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