As with the other couple's questionnaires I recommend the following practice: you and your partner turn it into a dialogue or an authentic conversation. Start that process by completing the questions separately without prior discussion and then compare your results. For an added level of interest, next to your own score hazard a guess at what you think your partner will score for each item. For a third level of complexity, also record what you predict your partner's prediction of your score would be.
Discuss the accuracy and inaccuracy of prediction from the point of view of the mental map you have of each other's relationship world view. This process can be far more revealing and uncomfortable than discussing the questions first . It may raise a whole new set of questions to follow up, especially if one or other of your predictions was way out. The Johari window on the mental map page can help locate the different sources of information on which those judgements are made.
One way to deepen one's experience of questions like these is to use the focusing technique. This method is one way to deal with differences. One unfolds the answers first within oneself and before exploring it with the other. This is the trick I notice in healthy marriages of 40+ years duration. They have mostly discovered the method for themselves by trial and error rather than learning it on a web site as relationship began.
For more on exploring how our bodies experience difference in a relationship this Hakomi page is a gem.
Another common perceptual issue is that one partner see/hears the truth and the other feel/hears it. One validates information by seeing what the other says (visual and auditory, for example, write it as well as tell it) whilst the other validates by feeling in their guts what they hear (kinaesthetic and auditory for example listen with your body, speak with your hands). Catching differences in sensory preferences early will shortcut later misunderstandings that flow from perception.
In the long term it is how we manage incompatibilities that matters more than how compatible we are.
Retrieved from webhome 16/04/06
Professor Sternberg's home page and some of his articles on line. Here is an abbreviated version of this questionnaire (15 rather than 45 questions). A useful discussion of the triangle is at a line on life
What are the components of your love relationship? Intimacy? Passion? Decision/commitment? All three components? Two of them?
To complete the following scale, fill in the blank spaces with the name of one person you love or care about deeply. Then rate your agreement with each of the items by using a nine-point scale in which 1 = "not at all," 5 = "moderately," and 9 = "extremely."
Use points in between to indicate these values. Then consult the scoring key at the end of the scale.
Intimacy Component
1. I am actively supportive of _________'s wellbeing.
2. I have a warm relationhip with _________.
3. I am able to count on __________ in times of need.
4. _________ is able to count on me in times of need.
5. I am willing to share myself and my possessions with ___________.
6. I receive considerable emotional support from ___________.
7. I give considerable emotional support to _______.
8. I communicate well with ___________.
9. I value _________ greatly in my life.
10. I feel close to ______.
11. I have a comfortable relationship with ______.
12. I feel that I really understand ___________.
13. I feel that _________ really understands me.
14. I feel that I can really trust ___________.
15. I share deeply personal information about myself with __________.
Passion Component
16. Just seeing ________ excites me.
17. I find myself thinking about __________ frequently during the day.
18. My relationship with ___________ is very romantic.
19. I find ________ to be very personally attractive.
20. I idealize _________.
21. I cannot imagine another person making me as happy as _______ does.
22. I would rather be with _________ than with anyone else.
23. There is nothing more important to me than my relationship with ______.
24. I especially like physical contact with ______.
25. There is something almost "magical" about my relationship with ______.
26. I adore _________.
27. I cannot imagine life without _________.
28. My relationship with _________ is passionate.
29 When I see romantic movies and read romantic books I think of _______.
30. I fantasize about _______.
Decision/Commitment Component
31. I know that I care about _________.
32. I am committed to maintaining my relationship with _________.
33 .Because of my commitment to ________, I would not let other people come between us.
34. I have confidence in the stability of my relationship with ________.
35. I could not let anything get in the way of my commitment to ________.
36. I expect my love for ________ to last for the rest of my life.
37. I will always feel a strong responsibility for ______.
38. I view my commitment to ________ as a solid one.
39. I cannot imagine ending my relationship with _________.
40. I am certain of my love for ________.
41. I view my relationship with _________ as permanent.
42. I view my relationship with ________ as a good decision.
43. I feel a sense of responsibility toward ________.
44. I plan to continue my relationship with ______.
45. Even when ________ is hard to deal with, I remain committed to our relationship.
Scoring Key
Add your ratings for each of the three sections: intimacy, passion, and commitment and write the totals in the blanks below.
Divide each subscore by 15 to get an average subscale score:
intimacy subscore ÷ 15 = ________ intimacy average rating
passion subscore ÷ 15 = ________ passion average rating
decision/ commitment subscore ÷ 15 = ________ decision/ commitment average rating
An average rating of 5 on a particular subscale indicates a moderate level of the component represented by the subscale; for example, an average rating of 5 on the intimacy subscale indicates a moderate amount of intimacy in the relationship you chose to measure.
Following this example further, a higher average rating would indicate a higher level of intimacy, and a lower average rating would indicate a lesser amount of intimacy.
Examining your ratings for each of the three subscales will give you an idea of how you perceive your love relationship to be composed of various amounts of intimacy, passion, and decision/ commitment.
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